beauty so amazing

awakening dreams

into searing nightmares

engulfing embrace

insidious tenderness

sucking the very life of light

spat far askance

into the black hole of despair

“beware” she whispered

mournful testimony

truth that resonates

so strong

but only to the hearing

and thus the angel lives

to tell the tale

as shall the fallen

alike

with her

——————–

i thought of veronica today… actually i think of her quite often… she is very special… but so am i… tho not as saintly… my twisted gnarled soul bears witness to this, there is no escape, no method for pretext… indeed, i cannot play the game… a warning… she wrote a beautiful piece… and it held depths that most will never know or understand… she has been to hell, and still lives there half locked into it’s terrible muted scream, half liberated by the truth that she has found inside of her… will we ever be set free? saint and sinner alike… we bear the marks of his cruel hand of beauty…

been musing on the phenomenon of the human pufferfish lately… aka ppl who, because of some deep seated insecurity or other, ‘inflate’ themselves in order to appear somehow more superior than they really are or than they feel they are…  all because they are afraid of looking ’small’, wanting to impress other fish and / or trying to protect their own fragile shaky egos… and, sadly, many of these human pufferfish are actually talented, intelligent, and often successful ppl in their own right and professional fields… the danger for them is appearing ignorant abt other fields of interest…

pathetic really… a phenomenon that nobody can escape from to some degree, as i too hv found myself in the act of puffing up those cheeks at moments in my life…

but it is a futile practice… nobody worth any salt wld be fooled, not for long anyway…

she is a brilliant, talented, successful artist… i hv great respect and admiration for her work… and i cld never pretend to compare myself with her talent in her field of expertise… but sadly, a few recent conversations hv left me with a nasty taste in my mouth… it all happened when she began to criticise a musician for whom i hv great respect… yes perhaps she caught him on an off-day, we all hv those, i do agree, but as she went on and on abt how knowledgeable she is, how musically inclined she is etc, i began to feel a cold dampness inside…

there is a chinese colloquial expression: “i just dropped my glasses / spectacles”… meaning, i m terribly disappointed… and yes, i m thus with her… besides being caught in a pathetic social mishmash of pretext and subterfuge disguised as “politeness” which is nothing more than just scrabbling to get ahead and stay on top of things, she revealed her utter ignorance and ridiculous inflated pride to the wrong person this time…

and this has nothing to do with the fact that she calls me her “darling friend” kisskisskiss etc but is never there when i need real practical help… or does it now?…

in any case… another human pufferfish is revealed… i must be pretty blind for me to take this long to see the truth… ok blame it on asperger’s?… hv a good laugh… another one bites the dust for sure…

sometimes i do indeed detest being me – those are times when i love too deep, fall too hard, break apart, struggle with physical handicaps etc… i do not really want the fragility do i? why? because i see that the world seems to belong to the strong, hardhearted and shallow…

but other times, when i see those very ppl who seem to possess the world jumping around on their tippy toes to the ridiculous beat of a farcical social circus show, i feel a sense of relief that i do not belong with them…

she thought i was afraid she was disappointed in me? nay, i never feared that at all, she never mattered so much to me anyway… but to be honest, i am disappointed in her… she seemed like someone who was able to grasp greater depths… such intelligence and talent… but ah, i must not judge too harshly, for i kw it is there, it’s just a matter of choice… and for many, they choose to live in the shallow because it is far too silent and lonely in the deep deep deep ocean trenches…

another truth – i am indeed angry… for no good reason other than i am… her words resound in my mind, “insane”… and her accusation – spoken in half jest but i kw she meant it – that i had caused much hurt and damage by my truthfulness… but this anger is just a suspended feeling, because i really did not expect brownie points for being truthful… actually this is exactly what i expected… yet… perhaps i m angry for a different reason… angry because it is all such a farce…

and so let it be…

do i hold my standards up too high for my friends?… perhaps i do… yet, i dont think i do… i dont really care what flaws they hv, all i expect is TRUTHFULNESS… but then, i m beginning to realise that honesty is the most precious commodity in human existence… and so, asking for truth IS indeed setting my standards too high…

there are many layers to this wonderful life of mine… hidden whispers, silent pain… but also much joy and liberation… and today i m celebrating once more the fact that i do not need to dance the farcical social circus show dance… i just stand apart and watch them… may God give me enough humility not to laugh but instead a heart of compassion and forgiveness…

“she probably thinks you are insane”… “she has disappeared because of what u said to her”… small little hints, and by now, i ‘understand’ human communication enough to pick up from these words a message of blame… that being different so markedly is somehow deemed ‘wrong’… and that telling the truth to people whom i respect is also ‘wrong’ by society’s standards…

i told the truth… at last… but no i do not expect to be rewarded by society for it – i hv long since learned that society does not want to know truth, nor can they understand anyone who lives by truth… they prefer lying, even making the lame excuse that they lie to ‘protect’ other’s feelings… absurd, they always hv a good ‘moral’ reason for dishonesty… but i do not need this kind of world…

being an aspie is a struggle… being different is always a struggle, regardless… a common struggle among the uncommon… but i m blessed to hv enough friends and family who support me and i hv no need for more… i hv enough to live on simply and i hv no need for more… i dont always get what i want the way i want the moment i want, but i hv all i need… and loneliness? it is the human condition… who doesnt hanker for the ‘perfect’ life? yes, of course, sometimes it is sad, depressing, but most times the goodies far outweigh the lousies… and it’s not just CBT to remind myself of this, it is just plain truth…

this morning, i wrote an email to the girl who made those comments … i do not owe anyone an explanation, but i want to explain becos i still respect her… even tho she will never understand… i told her the truth too… abt me… abt my view of her… she is an added blessing to my life, but i do not need her, and i will not cry a single tear if she turns her back on me… this woman, talented, brilliant, capable and intelligent, yet she talks about nothing but her constant search for love and a man to commit to loving her… i m getting bored with this kind of girlie-relating… very low level fun…

and i kw, whatever i said in my email, may probably fuel more misconceptions… already they think i m a spoilt princess… but that too is the truth that i told to her… and an old loyal but very sensible friend said this: why bother with trying to be common like everyone else?…

yes… how true… i dance to a different beat… and i love it!

tell the truth or perform a dare?… sometimes life really is a game… a game which i barely understand, and which i m now very very tired of trying to play…

the trouble with asperger’s is that i KNOW i m different, but i m helpless to change this difference… and behcet’s really doesnt help, does it?…

no, tis not a self-pity party… what’s the use of self-pity anyway?… truth is that i hv no confidence in completing whatever it is i set out here to do… that i m very very tired, and i hv lost a part of me that i myself treasured very much… the flame inside of me is still there, but just an amber… but the beautifully carved lamp i once carried this flame in is now destroyed… irrevocably lost… no use blaming self or other, it just happened… is God himself to blame? … too lofty a question for one such as i to dwell upon… all i can do is struggle thru the day, and psyche myself up to keep going keep going… now i hv told the truth… yet i hv to perform the dare too – i hv to perform LIFE itself… and tomorrow will be another day on stage…

i m reminded abt the broken body i live in all the time… little things that nobody will ever know, just by looking at me… do i deliberately ‘hide’ things? lie?… once he accused me of this… but i hv been accused of many things before, and i guess i oughta get used to it… but coming from someone i loved and gave so much to love, it hurt deep…

yet, the body broken hurts itself more than anyone or anything… especially because i never seem to learn to take my body more seriously, because i m constantly trying, to no avail, to live a ‘normal’ life… what irony, how cld i ever dream of ‘normality’?…

yesterday evening, i headed out to attend a concert rather far from my place… i braced myself for the journey, popped a stemetil and off i went, repeating to myself, like a chant, what i was attempting: a ferry ride, a long walk to the subway, and a long subway ride, then a trudge to the concert venue from the subway station…

made it to the subway, got into a train, became too crowded, so i dashed out and into the next emptier train… managed to find a seat, sat down… then, the train began to fill with human bodies… smelly, reeking, warm ‘able’ bodies… after 2 stations, i was choking from the smell, the lack of fresh oxygen and the hysteria mounting inside from too many human bodies pressing against me from everywhere… i got off in a hurry – no it wasn’t my stop, but i just cldn’t take it anymore… outside the station, i stumbled for awhile in the busy polluted noisy street, trying to regain some sense of equilibrium… the air was acrid with vehicular smog but still much preferred to the choking feeling and smell of rancid sweat on human bodies… then i hailed a taxi and rode in relative comfort all the way to the concert venue (at least i only had to contend with ONE other human body and the smell inside that ONE taxi!)…

after the entire ordeal, i spent the whole of last night coughing… this morning, i woke up with a swollen sore throat, TMJ, and severe fatigue… i’d planned to do some housework today, but instead i slept all afternoon… my throat’s still throbbing and raw now… ulcers… headache… i dunno if i caught anything or if it is just stress triggering my autoimmune… but i know it’s again time for more drugs… painkillers and antihistamine will help me get thru tonight then…

why do i do these things? because at the back of my mind, i long to be ‘normal’… i dont want to be called names like ‘princess’ etc… i m tired of being a freak… but i make myself more freaky by attempting all these ‘normalising’ adventures… will i ever learn? call it folly or call it courage, whatever the case, truth is, even after all these years, i m still uncomfortable inside my broken body…

i tried to exercise today, but the vertigo was so bad… i hv been suffering from chronic vertigo, probably due to BPPV (Benign Paroxysmal Positional Vertigo)… now i feel nauseous and my ears are ringing slightly… been eating far too much this summer… a weight off my mind, the mental and emotional torture over… the physical pain from my swollen knee gradually getting better… swimming and enjoying the sunshine… but now the relief has turned into a desperation – to lose this fat that has accumulated around my waist, making me in my tiny frame look like a pregnant penguin… maybe a puffin…

depressing thoughts… and today i looked at the calendar and realised it’s already the 20th oct… starting to get cooler… can’t get into my clothes… and this song popped into my head…

ok, so barry isnt really good for u, he’s perpetually melancholic and sappy… i m not a fan at all, but some songs stick in ur head forever once u hear it just one time, and they come out from the woodwork to haunt u when u least expect it…

i first heard this song ages ago when it first appeared in barry manilow’s “paradise cafe”… i was suffering from a terrible attack of behcet’s, struggling with physical pain, mental fatigue, disappointment at my limitations, and heartbreak brought about by what i didnt kw at the time was my own inability to ‘read’ relational situations due to asperger’s…

the next time the silly sappy song rang in my head was when dad died… he left in late september, and after the funeral, i returned to try to continue what i set out to do, far away from home, alone and tossed about inside yet another relational conundrum… autumn was setting in, october going, and i was left with a horrible echoing screamingly reverberating void inside me…

but i hope this october will leave me with a fresh new start… away from the pain of yesterday, and a vision for tomorrow that brings fulfillment in growing yet older and knowing myself better…

when october goes…

back in the desert… spartan living… cold reality of life alone… tho i kw i m never completely alone… i also kw i HAVE to do this last leg of this particular part of the journey as best as i can…

went to view a few apartments in a different area of town yesterday and had a good dose of reality – pretty dire, what i saw… makes me thankful for what i hv now, and sobering because i wonder what will happen in the future…

the weak knee swelled up a little again, and my metatarsal (feet) and ankle joints are aching big time… add to the arthritis of behcet’s two flat feet and it’s no wonder, after all that walking… at one point i had to walk hundreds of steps – thank god it was walking down, not up – and i gave up on that apartment, i didnt even view it, just called the landlord and cancelled, walked past the building and struggled down down down to the main road… it was a lovely area, quiet part of the city, but no vehicular access and those steps were a nightmare from hell!!! i saw a little old lady walk up up up slowly with a heavy mini-trolley full of groceries and i wanted to sit there and cry… made me think abt myself in old age… ok shake off that thought and concentrate at the task at hand, spunkykitty!!! that was only at the halfway down point… the pollution from the road was overwhelming…

when i finally got back to my apartment, washed off the soot from my face, i noticed i was coughing… gotta stay home much of today to try to recover… blegh! it’s a wake up all right, being back in the desert after a fabulous summer at home with family… wooooooooah… i need courage!

wonder how many ppl with asperger’s also suffer from behcet’s? … just another aspie musing, i guess… i notice i hv been generally free from the painful TMJ symptoms this entire summer… yippee! small blessings are very big things really, especially when these help to alleviate pain…

chugging along… fatigue is a constant companion… but always looking for a way to up the energy levels… swimming everyday has helped this a bit… but it’s a chicken and egg thing with behcet’s – too little / too much of ANYTHING can trigger a flare up!… ulcers under control, they r always there but as long as i can eat without needing painkillers, i feel really happy… been getting vertigo alot though, wonder why… yesterday i think i did a bit too much walking – went to the beach, it was a lovely day – came home with a swollen ankle, the arthritis is another fierce attachment to my life… but just gotta keeping chugging along…

ok, time to attack the day again… wishing myself good luck…

they say time heals… but nay, time does not heal… time merely buries… and wounds of pain and grief lie deep underneath the rubble of what begins as a shattering calamity but which slowly settles with time, and soon, nobody notices anymore…

yes, life goes on, above the settled debris, a new landscape springs forth… but beneath, like an underground river, the agony of pain runs unseen… hidden whispers, mute sighs… not dead, very much alive…

i viewed a video of an old performance… at the end, i saw her, jet black long shiny hair to the waist, her face full of the beauty of youth, the deep dark eyes and full feminine lips… she went to him and they kissed, a sweet touching moment… she strokes his long coarse wavy hair, the same waist length as hers, tied up behind, and she sweeps his hair back gently, lovingly, and they have their arms around each other in a side by side embrace… the year, 1993… an eternity ago…

17 years on, and time has changed so much… yet, time has not healed… and beneath the rubble of their marriage – fallen angels, dashed hopes, betrayal and heartbreak – her love still lives… buried, not dead…