i m reminded abt the broken body i live in all the time… little things that nobody will ever know, just by looking at me… do i deliberately ‘hide’ things? lie?… once he accused me of this… but i hv been accused of many things before, and i guess i oughta get used to it… [...]
Archive for the ‘senses’ Category
25 oct 2009 – broken body
Posted in dichotomy, fatigue, fragility, general, journal, senses, tagged arthritis, Asperger's, Behcet's Syndrome, body, fatigue, headache, lie, life, pain, painkillers, perspective, stress, suffering, tired, truth, ulcers on October 25, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
29 sep 2009 – goldfish
Posted in dichotomy, family, fragility, journal, life & death, love, questions, relationships, senses, society, tagged Asperger's, death, fear, goldfish, helpless, hopeless, misunderstand, pain, shock, silent scream, understanding on September 29, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
a startled goldfish… a silent scream… dry hot tears streaming from nowhere… just a terrible terrible shock reaction… rush of fear into the brain… a practical joke gone wrong… someone thinking it wld be fun to knock on my window in the middle of the night to say hello?… my heart now can’t stop thumping [...]
bluebeard, scheherazade and the sunken cathedral
Posted in general, life & death, love, senses, tagged Asperger's, Blue Frog, Bluebeard, bunnyblu, creativity, emotion, fiction, Gazelle, Hans Christian Anderson, la cathedrale engloutie, life, love, Moomins, pain, passion, Scheherazade, skank, The Sunken Cathedrale, Tove Jansson, woman on September 25, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
‘experts’ say that ppl with asperger’s are often less interested in fiction than in factual books or other sources of information… yeah, well that may be true in many cases… and yes, as an adult, i found i had no more interest in reading fiction, it bored me, but i m held spellbound by non-fiction, [...]
24 sep 2009 – chiaroscurro
Posted in dichotomy, family, fragility, general, journal, life & death, love, questions, senses, society, tagged art, beauty, Chiara, chiaroscurro, child, dada, family, father, Geertan tot Sint Jans, heartbreak, irony, love, man, mother, pain, painting, perspective, Renaissance, suffering, truth, woman on September 24, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
it started out dark and stormy today… now the sunlight is shining brightly, dancing on the surfaces of the swaying tree branches, water in the pool and the flowers in my patio… and i thought of the words: “chiaroscurro”, “chiara”, and a certain family of three that have featured strongly in my life recently in [...]
one last cheer up
Posted in general, hope, senses, tagged Bing Crosby, dance, Fred Astaire, video on September 14, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
one last cheer up before beddy bye… i need the naivety and innocence back… ah… fred astaire… this shd be a spunkykitty post really, but anyhow, here they are, bing and fred doing one of the silliest routines i’ve ever seen yet how i used to love it as a child… i can still watch [...]
asperger’s – THIS is the life!
Posted in family, fatigue, fragility, general, journal, questions, senses, tagged Asperger's, depression, emotion, relationships, suffering, tired on September 14, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
oh while the smelly workmen were wandering in and out filling my air with rancidity, i wrote a long nasty letter as per instruction from mom… and now, fatigued from brainmeltmeltdown and churning inside the acid reflux drum of clattering guilt… time for non-bed… i.e. too tired to sleep, too alive to die… damn, and [...]
14 sep 2009 – brainmelt
Posted in dichotomy, family, fatigue, fragility, general, journal, love, questions, relationships, senses, society, tagged Asperger's, Behcet's Syndrome, depression, emotion, fatigue, female asperger's, headache, help, love, man, meltdown, mind, pain, stress, tired, ulcers, vertigo, woman on September 14, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
stressful day… smelly workmen in and out all day fixing stuff… the smell was so bad in this heat… and the stress from having 2 strangers (who smell bad) walking around the house all day… it was inevitable i guess, the final meltdown… long after they’d gone… after a great dinner (which i cooked)… two [...]
10 sep 2009 – just before midnight
Posted in family, fatigue, fragility, friendship, general, hope, journal, love, questions, relationships, senses, society, tagged Asperger's, Behcet's Syndrome, depression, emotion, food, honesty, hope, life, love, man, mind, nightmare, pain, painkillers, perspective, relationships, resolution, skank, ulcers, vertigo, woman on September 10, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
just before midnight… throbbing ulcers and swollen throat… mild vertigo… thinking abt nothing much, yet too many different things at once… took a painkiller before dinner – still hurt like crazy but i love eating… and yeah i do like my own cooking… seems like my family liked it too… pork ribs with hawaiian herb [...]
09 sep 2009 – comfort food
Posted in fragility, journal, questions, senses, tagged Behcet's Syndrome, joy, pain, painkillers, ulcers on September 9, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
it does get so painful that the pain ‘makes’ a ringing sound in the ear… and my ears hv been ringing all day… the throat is inflamed and a huge deep crater of an ulcer throbs angrily at the bottom of the base of my tongue… not to mention the dozens others scattered around like [...]
08 sep 2009 – holes
Posted in family, fatigue, journal, love, relationships, senses, tagged arthritis, Asperger's, Behcet's Syndrome, emotion, fatigue, illness, life, love, pain, perspective, relationships, stress, tired, ulcers on September 8, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
holes in my throat… ulcers, i mean… it’s tiresome, one wave after another… never without pain… this afternoon i hv acupuncture and acupressure sesssion… holes in my knee… the tiny needles shd be no problem for others, but i hv behcet’s, and the tiniest of pinpricks result in angry red circles – yep, just like [...]
07 sep 2009 – well done spunkykitty!
Posted in family, fatigue, friendship, journal, love, relationships, senses, tagged Asperger's, Behcet's Syndrome, empathy, love, relationships, tinnitus, ulcers on September 7, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
time for a pat on my back… from me to me… it has been a trying day… but i managed to prevent my own meltdown, and at the same time diffuse a volatile situation between two ppl i love… who says aspies dont hv empathy?… i think we do, a lot more than ‘normal’ NTs [...]
06 sep 2009 – weekend sortie
Posted in family, journal, senses, tagged Behcet's Syndrome, sensitivity, ulcers, food, hyperacusis on September 6, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
weekends over here at home, time for outings to different foodie places… i do love it, but it is SO bad for the waistline!!!
ok, so i do hv a few painful mouth ulcers at the tip of my tongue, but that did not prevent me from plunging headlong into some really delicious thai food… in [...]
squabble meltdown
Posted in family, fatigue, love, relationships, senses, society, tagged Asperger's, confusion, female asperger's, meltdown on September 4, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
hate it when ppl squabble… problem with one is she doesnt realise how lucky she is to be so much loved and cared for with such dedication… the other is ADD and likes to repeat things over and over, making the one irritated and annoyed… why cant the one loved see beyond the faults of [...]
vincent – genius at what price?
Posted in dichotomy, fragility, life & death, love, senses, society, tagged art, Asperger's Syndrome and high achievement, child, creativity, depression, Don McLean, Garden of Flowers, life, love, music, painting, spirit, Starry Night, suicide, video, Vincent, Vincent van Gogh on August 31, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
vincent van gogh – “Garden of Flowers” 1888 sold for USD8.4million… if only he were alive to see that… but in his lifetime, he only managed to sell just 1 painting… what price genius?…
i saw prints of his paintings in a picture book as a young child… i was immediately drawn to this man… and [...]
30 aug 2009 – rain
Posted in fatigue, fragility, hope, journal, love, questions, relationships, senses, society, tagged burnt bridges, depression, friendship, honesty, hope, illness, life, nausea, nightmare, pain, resolution, silent scream, skank, sound, stemetil, storm, vertigo, water on August 30, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
rainy day… no lightning… just pitter patter of steady heavy rain… splattering on the awning, wetting the patio floor… i can see reflections on the dark brown wooden planks… rain bouncing on the surface of the pool like dancing water nymphs…
nightmares last night… restless sleep… vertigo and nausea this morning… ok time for stemetil… oh [...]
swallow
Posted in fragility, friendship, hope, life & death, love, relationships, senses, tagged Asperger's, beauty, friend, friendship, help, hope, life, love, man, music, relationships, simple, sunshine, support, swallow, truth, water, woman on August 29, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
a little swallow came by this morning, as i was swimming in the pool, and lightly dipped in and out, as if in greeting… sharing the sunlight and the cool water… i watched it fly away, up into the azure blue sky, then away beyond my vision… and i thought of u… that beautiful little [...]
27 aug 2009 – sunnyside up
Posted in friendship, hope, journal, love, relationships, senses, society, tagged Asperger's, freedom, friendship, good bye, help, hope, lie, love, obsession, persistence, perspective, relating, sunshine, truth on August 27, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
woke up tired from crazy dreams, but no crying… at long last, no tears…
the ulcers r fierce… started yesterday… maybe something i ate combined with residual stress… my right knee did a little backtrack and it hurts a bit more again… frustrating… sometimes i wonder if i ever will be free of pain… ah but [...]
insects, men and damn good fucks
Posted in general, senses, sexuality, tagged Army Ants, humour, sex, skank, Tom Waits, video on August 23, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
“the female praying mantis devours the male while they are mating… the male sometimes continues copulating even after the female has bitten off his head”… (1:01 secs – 1:17secs)
so… i guess THIS is what he meant when he said to me abt his skank, “i don’t care what u say she is, i don’t care [...]
06 august 2009 – and so?
Posted in dichotomy, family, fatigue, fragility, friendship, general, journal, life & death, questions, relationships, senses, tagged arthritis, Asperger's, Behcet's Syndrome, illness, lost, nightmare, pain, suffering, tinnitus, ulcers, vertigo on August 6, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
arthritic swelling, ulcers, ringing ears, vertigo – tangible, visible things that hang on me, envelope me and jostle around inside my baggage that i carry with me everywhere, alongside the various drugs i desperately use to control the nasty effects of which…
but how do i speak to anyone abt the nightmares every night, how i [...]
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