he once said to me, “i am a multi-personalities man”… seems like such a long long time ago now, yet still so vividly clear and resonant in my head… i dont kw whether to laugh out loud or shake with sorrow at such irony and farce… indeed, he is a multi-personalities man… mr. multi… richly [...]
Archive for the ‘questions’ Category
17 nov 2009 – mr. multi
Posted in dichotomy, fragility, friendship, journal, love, questions, relationships, society, tagged beauty, grief, irony, love, pain, truth, Veronica on November 17, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
13 nov 2009 – smoking barrels
Posted in dichotomy, general, hope, journal, questions, society, tagged beauty, creativity, passion, life, perspective, rejection, courage, resolution, honesty, Asperger's, hope on November 13, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
yes, i kw, i ask the darnest questions… yes, i often put people in a spot… and yes yes yes, ppl r known to react negatively… but shd i even bother to try to be common, ordinary, unchallenging and bland?… not that there is anything intrinsically wrong abt being common, ordinary, unchallenging and bland, if [...]
11 nov 2009 – overload!
Posted in fatigue, friendship, journal, love, questions, relationships, senses, society, tagged art, friend, friendship, lie, love, music, relationships, sensory overload, talent on November 11, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
beautiful clear skies today… what a day to forget my handy carry camera! urrrgh!… i cld see the blue of the sky contrasting against white white fluffy clouds – this IS a rare sight where i live now, with the constant pollution problem escalating by the minute… anyway, i was savouring every visual moment as [...]
human pufferfish
Posted in friendship, general, questions, relationships, society, tagged art, Asperger's, friendship, help, honesty, life, music, perspective, pride, relationships on November 4, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
been musing on the phenomenon of the human pufferfish lately… aka ppl who, because of some deep seated insecurity or other, ‘inflate’ themselves in order to appear somehow more superior than they really are or than they feel they are… all because they are afraid of looking ’small’, wanting to impress other fish and / [...]
01 nov 2009 – layers
Posted in dichotomy, fatigue, fragility, friendship, general, hope, journal, life & death, love, questions, relationships, society, tagged Behcet's Syndrome, pain, strength, truth, courage, resolution, honesty, Asperger's, emotion, relationships, tired, friendship, friend, lie, deceit on November 1, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
sometimes i do indeed detest being me – those are times when i love too deep, fall too hard, break apart, struggle with physical handicaps etc… i do not really want the fragility do i? why? because i see that the world seems to belong to the strong, hardhearted and shallow…
but other times, when i [...]
31 oct 2009 – a different beat
Posted in dichotomy, family, friendship, general, journal, life & death, love, questions, relationships, society, tagged Asperger's, dance, emotion, friend, friendship, honesty, lie, life, love, man, relationships, support, truth, woman on October 31, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
“she probably thinks you are insane”… “she has disappeared because of what u said to her”… small little hints, and by now, i ‘understand’ human communication enough to pick up from these words a message of blame… that being different so markedly is somehow deemed ‘wrong’… and that telling the truth to people whom i [...]
26 oct 2009 – truth or dare
Posted in dichotomy, fatigue, fragility, general, journal, life & death, questions, tagged Behcet's Syndrome, truth, fear, courage, silent scream, honesty, Asperger's, fatigue, tired on October 26, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
tell the truth or perform a dare?… sometimes life really is a game… a game which i barely understand, and which i m now very very tired of trying to play…
the trouble with asperger’s is that i KNOW i m different, but i m helpless to change this difference… and behcet’s really doesnt help, does [...]
10 oct 2009 – buried not dead
Posted in dichotomy, fragility, journal, love, questions, relationships, tagged pain, love, woman, man, marriage, relationships, heartbreak, hope, irony, healing, grief on October 10, 2009 | 2 Comments »
they say time heals… but nay, time does not heal… time merely buries… and wounds of pain and grief lie deep underneath the rubble of what begins as a shattering calamity but which slowly settles with time, and soon, nobody notices anymore…
yes, life goes on, above the settled debris, a new landscape springs forth… but [...]
1 oct 2009 – no respite?
Posted in fatigue, fragility, journal, questions, tagged Behcet's Syndrome, body, pain, illness, vertigo, painkillers, nausea, headache, ulcers, fatigue, tired on October 1, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
is there no respite from behcet’s, i often wonder… ?… ulcers in throat hv been fierce, and the tongue swollen with strategic one near the base… eating is uncomfortable but thank god i love my food! … had a bad tummy all night… as if anyone wants to hear abt this?… mild fever this morning [...]
29 sep 2009 – goldfish
Posted in dichotomy, family, fragility, journal, life & death, love, questions, relationships, senses, society, tagged pain, understanding, fear, silent scream, Asperger's, death, misunderstand, shock, helpless, hopeless, goldfish on September 29, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
a startled goldfish… a silent scream… dry hot tears streaming from nowhere… just a terrible terrible shock reaction… rush of fear into the brain… a practical joke gone wrong… someone thinking it wld be fun to knock on my window in the middle of the night to say hello?… my heart now can’t stop thumping [...]
26 sep 2009 – tomorrow already
Posted in family, fatigue, fragility, general, hope, journal, life & death, love, questions, relationships, society, tagged Behcet's Syndrome, life, perspective, love, suffering, help, support, headache, fatigue, tired, old age on September 26, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
it’s tomorrow already… i mean today… was yesterday and now it is tomorrow… time swishes by…
tired, aching all over… ulcers… throbbing headache… backache… it’s past midnight and i shd go to bed… been a long long day…
no i m no hero for justice… but i do hate it when the weak, old and helpless are [...]
24 sep 2009 – chiaroscurro
Posted in dichotomy, family, fragility, general, journal, life & death, love, questions, senses, society, tagged beauty, pain, truth, child, perspective, father, love, woman, suffering, man, mother, art, heartbreak, family, irony, painting, dada, Chiara, chiaroscurro, Geertan tot Sint Jans, Renaissance on September 24, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
it started out dark and stormy today… now the sunlight is shining brightly, dancing on the surfaces of the swaying tree branches, water in the pool and the flowers in my patio… and i thought of the words: “chiaroscurro”, “chiara”, and a certain family of three that have featured strongly in my life recently in [...]
23 sep 2009 – sins of the father…?
Posted in family, hope, life & death, love, questions, relationships, society, tagged Andrea Bocelli, beauty, Blue Frog, Chiara, child, Cieli di Toscana, dada, emotion, father, honesty, lie, love, man, naive, pain, perspective, sex, truth, video, woman on September 23, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
what goes around comes around? does it really? i’d like to believe so… but sometimes, i do wonder… HOW exactly is it gonna come back around?
read recently abt the sentencing of russian-american pedophile Andrew Mogilyansky – i was struck by the absurdity of his wife’s claim that he was a good husband and father… i [...]
asperger’s – THIS is the life!
Posted in family, fatigue, fragility, general, journal, questions, senses, tagged suffering, Asperger's, emotion, relationships, tired, depression on September 14, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
oh while the smelly workmen were wandering in and out filling my air with rancidity, i wrote a long nasty letter as per instruction from mom… and now, fatigued from brainmeltmeltdown and churning inside the acid reflux drum of clattering guilt… time for non-bed… i.e. too tired to sleep, too alive to die… damn, and [...]
14 sep 2009 – brainmelt
Posted in dichotomy, family, fatigue, fragility, general, journal, love, questions, relationships, senses, society, tagged Behcet's Syndrome, pain, mind, love, woman, vertigo, help, Asperger's, man, emotion, headache, stress, ulcers, fatigue, tired, depression, meltdown, female asperger's on September 14, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
stressful day… smelly workmen in and out all day fixing stuff… the smell was so bad in this heat… and the stress from having 2 strangers (who smell bad) walking around the house all day… it was inevitable i guess, the final meltdown… long after they’d gone… after a great dinner (which i cooked)… two [...]
13 sep 2009 – brainfreeze
Posted in dichotomy, fatigue, fragility, friendship, journal, love, questions, relationships, society, tagged love, worth, money, tired, friendship, friend, poverty, Temple Grandin on September 13, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
suddenly having a brainfreeze moment… yep… last 3 days spent doing translations… a non-profit arts group, so of course the pay was peanuts, but hey, peanuts to some monkeys can be chocolate cake to others… and this monkey, well, no i m not saying i m desperate for cake but i won’t turn down an [...]
10 sep 2009 – just before midnight
Posted in family, fatigue, fragility, friendship, general, hope, journal, love, questions, relationships, senses, society, tagged Behcet's Syndrome, pain, life, perspective, mind, love, woman, resolution, vertigo, honesty, Asperger's, painkillers, man, emotion, ulcers, relationships, hope, food, depression, nightmare, skank on September 10, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
just before midnight… throbbing ulcers and swollen throat… mild vertigo… thinking abt nothing much, yet too many different things at once… took a painkiller before dinner – still hurt like crazy but i love eating… and yeah i do like my own cooking… seems like my family liked it too… pork ribs with hawaiian herb [...]
09 sep 2009 – comfort food
Posted in fragility, journal, questions, senses, tagged Behcet's Syndrome, pain, painkillers, ulcers, joy on September 9, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
it does get so painful that the pain ‘makes’ a ringing sound in the ear… and my ears hv been ringing all day… the throat is inflamed and a huge deep crater of an ulcer throbs angrily at the bottom of the base of my tongue… not to mention the dozens others scattered around like [...]
05 sep 2009 – asperger’s IS my life
Posted in general, hope, journal, life & death, questions, society, tagged Asperger's, Asperger's Syndrome and high achievement, books, fear, John Elder Robison, life, Look Me in the Eye, shame, video on September 5, 2009 | 4 Comments »
asperger’s IS indeed my life, no matter how i tried to hide it in the past… but that was largely becos i did not kw what was ‘wrong’ with me… now that i kw, i m no longer ashamed or afraid of being different… i hv a lot to offer the world, the ppl i [...]
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