sometimes i do indeed detest being me – those are times when i love too deep, fall too hard, break apart, struggle with physical handicaps etc… i do not really want the fragility do i? why? because i see that the world seems to belong to the strong, hardhearted and shallow…
but other times, when i [...]
Archive for the ‘life & death’ Category
01 nov 2009 – layers
Posted in dichotomy, fatigue, fragility, friendship, general, hope, journal, life & death, love, questions, relationships, society, tagged Asperger's, Behcet's Syndrome, courage, deceit, emotion, friend, friendship, honesty, lie, pain, relationships, resolution, strength, tired, truth on November 1, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
31 oct 2009 – a different beat
Posted in dichotomy, family, friendship, general, journal, life & death, love, questions, relationships, society, tagged Asperger's, dance, emotion, friend, friendship, honesty, lie, life, love, man, relationships, support, truth, woman on October 31, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
“she probably thinks you are insane”… “she has disappeared because of what u said to her”… small little hints, and by now, i ‘understand’ human communication enough to pick up from these words a message of blame… that being different so markedly is somehow deemed ‘wrong’… and that telling the truth to people whom i [...]
26 oct 2009 – truth or dare
Posted in dichotomy, fatigue, fragility, general, journal, life & death, questions, tagged Asperger's, Behcet's Syndrome, courage, fatigue, fear, honesty, silent scream, tired, truth on October 26, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
tell the truth or perform a dare?… sometimes life really is a game… a game which i barely understand, and which i m now very very tired of trying to play…
the trouble with asperger’s is that i KNOW i m different, but i m helpless to change this difference… and behcet’s really doesnt help, does [...]
29 sep 2009 – goldfish
Posted in dichotomy, family, fragility, journal, life & death, love, questions, relationships, senses, society, tagged Asperger's, death, fear, goldfish, helpless, hopeless, misunderstand, pain, shock, silent scream, understanding on September 29, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
a startled goldfish… a silent scream… dry hot tears streaming from nowhere… just a terrible terrible shock reaction… rush of fear into the brain… a practical joke gone wrong… someone thinking it wld be fun to knock on my window in the middle of the night to say hello?… my heart now can’t stop thumping [...]
old habits die hard
Posted in dichotomy, friendship, general, hope, life & death, love, relationships, society, tagged art, beauty, child, creativity, deceit, friend, friendship, heartbreak, help, honesty, lie, life, love, man, music, relationships, truth, woman on September 27, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
heard he’s been trawling facebook for women… unlike some who search at random, he is a well known figure who attracts willing ‘fans’ through various groups dedicated to him and his work… willing (but many uninformed) flies to the fire for sure… if u were a young (or even not so young) woman who loves [...]
26 sep 2009 – tomorrow already
Posted in family, fatigue, fragility, general, hope, journal, life & death, love, questions, relationships, society, tagged Behcet's Syndrome, fatigue, headache, help, life, love, old age, perspective, suffering, support, tired on September 26, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
it’s tomorrow already… i mean today… was yesterday and now it is tomorrow… time swishes by…
tired, aching all over… ulcers… throbbing headache… backache… it’s past midnight and i shd go to bed… been a long long day…
no i m no hero for justice… but i do hate it when the weak, old and helpless are [...]
bluebeard, scheherazade and the sunken cathedral
Posted in general, life & death, love, senses, tagged Asperger's, Blue Frog, Bluebeard, bunnyblu, creativity, emotion, fiction, Gazelle, Hans Christian Anderson, la cathedrale engloutie, life, love, Moomins, pain, passion, Scheherazade, skank, The Sunken Cathedrale, Tove Jansson, woman on September 25, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
‘experts’ say that ppl with asperger’s are often less interested in fiction than in factual books or other sources of information… yeah, well that may be true in many cases… and yes, as an adult, i found i had no more interest in reading fiction, it bored me, but i m held spellbound by non-fiction, [...]
24 sep 2009 – chiaroscurro
Posted in dichotomy, family, fragility, general, journal, life & death, love, questions, senses, society, tagged art, beauty, Chiara, chiaroscurro, child, dada, family, father, Geertan tot Sint Jans, heartbreak, irony, love, man, mother, pain, painting, perspective, Renaissance, suffering, truth, woman on September 24, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
it started out dark and stormy today… now the sunlight is shining brightly, dancing on the surfaces of the swaying tree branches, water in the pool and the flowers in my patio… and i thought of the words: “chiaroscurro”, “chiara”, and a certain family of three that have featured strongly in my life recently in [...]
23 sep 2009 – sins of the father…?
Posted in family, hope, life & death, love, questions, relationships, society, tagged Andrea Bocelli, beauty, Blue Frog, Chiara, child, Cieli di Toscana, dada, emotion, father, honesty, lie, love, man, naive, pain, perspective, sex, truth, video, woman on September 23, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
what goes around comes around? does it really? i’d like to believe so… but sometimes, i do wonder… HOW exactly is it gonna come back around?
read recently abt the sentencing of russian-american pedophile Andrew Mogilyansky – i was struck by the absurdity of his wife’s claim that he was a good husband and father… i [...]
22 sep 2009 – poorer but happier
Posted in family, friendship, hope, journal, life & death, love, relationships, tagged arthritis, Asperger's, Behcet's Syndrome, body, courage, emotion, friendship, headache, help, hope, illness, life, love, pain, perspective, relationships, strength, suffering, support, truth, ulcers, vertigo on September 22, 2009 | 2 Comments »
everyone wishes to have lots of money… and indeed once upon a long long time ago i did indeed have quite a bit… but aspies are not known to be great with money… c’est moi: too gullible, too generous, too impulsive, too plain lousy at keeping those balance sheets… maths has never been my forte, [...]
20 sep 2009 – death & new life
Posted in family, hope, journal, life & death, love, relationships, tagged Asperger's, beauty, Ecclesiastes, friend, friendship, life, love, pain, perspective, relationships, resolution, support, The Byrds, truth, video on September 20, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
2 years already – he left 2 years ago today… and when he left, a can of worms sprang open… pandora’s box… the demons, the skeletons, tearing apart all that was familiar and wreaking utter havoc on the very foundations of my life as i knew it… but now, 2 years on, death has given [...]
05 sep 2009 – asperger’s IS my life
Posted in general, hope, journal, life & death, questions, society, tagged Asperger's, Asperger's Syndrome and high achievement, books, fear, John Elder Robison, life, Look Me in the Eye, shame, video on September 5, 2009 | 4 Comments »
asperger’s IS indeed my life, no matter how i tried to hide it in the past… but that was largely becos i did not kw what was ‘wrong’ with me… now that i kw, i m no longer ashamed or afraid of being different… i hv a lot to offer the world, the ppl i [...]
03 sep 2009 – 10 mins to tomorrow
Posted in fatigue, fragility, friendship, journal, life & death, love, relationships, society, tagged death, fatigue, life, love, misunderstand, pain, ulcers, vertigo on September 3, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
just 10 mins to tomorrow… painful neck, vertigo, deep ulcers and lurching churning fatigue… how did i come to waste 2 years of my life?… and no matter what i did, oh how i tried and tried, i just wasn’t worth honour, truth and simple respect to him… only 5 minutes left to go… tomorrow [...]
03 sep 2009 – home
Posted in family, general, journal, life & death, questions, society, tagged empathy, grief, home, pain, poverty, sympathy on September 3, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
i recently read abt the crazy high price of caged homes in hong kong… yes, ppl live in cages, cramped together in tiny dingy dwellings in this bustling city driven by money and commerce… sad but true…
my heart goes out to these ppl, mostly old and alone with no other options to turn to…
i hv [...]
vincent – genius at what price?
Posted in dichotomy, fragility, life & death, love, senses, society, tagged art, Asperger's Syndrome and high achievement, child, creativity, depression, Don McLean, Garden of Flowers, life, love, music, painting, spirit, Starry Night, suicide, video, Vincent, Vincent van Gogh on August 31, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
vincent van gogh – “Garden of Flowers” 1888 sold for USD8.4million… if only he were alive to see that… but in his lifetime, he only managed to sell just 1 painting… what price genius?…
i saw prints of his paintings in a picture book as a young child… i was immediately drawn to this man… and [...]
swallow
Posted in fragility, friendship, hope, life & death, love, relationships, senses, tagged Asperger's, beauty, friend, friendship, help, hope, life, love, man, music, relationships, simple, sunshine, support, swallow, truth, water, woman on August 29, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
a little swallow came by this morning, as i was swimming in the pool, and lightly dipped in and out, as if in greeting… sharing the sunlight and the cool water… i watched it fly away, up into the azure blue sky, then away beyond my vision… and i thought of u… that beautiful little [...]
truth
Posted in friendship, life & death, love, questions, relationships, society, tagged Asperger's, deceit, freedom, good bye, hidden agenda, laugh, lie, naive, perspective, resolution, simple, truth on August 26, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
“the thing abt telling the truth is that it is open to anyone’s interpretation – and that is ok… cos i dont really care what pple decide to think of me after that… i dont need fans / supporters, nor do i care abt enemies / detractors…”
my final email to him…
why cant pp understand [...]
if u prick me, do i not bleed? – i want no revenge but i m not ashamed…
Posted in dichotomy, general, life & death, love, questions, society, tagged accusation, Asperger's, condemnation, deceit, friendship, honesty, lie, love, misunderstand, naked, pain, rejection, shame, Shylock, The Merchant of Venice, torment, truth, William Shakespeare on August 25, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
am i not human, just like u? if u prick me, do i not bleed? i hv always loved shylock in shakespeare’s the merchant of venice… perhaps becos i hv always felt a sense of social injustice, long before i learnt the word “asperger’s”… i first read the merchant of venice when i was 11 [...]
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