sometimes i do indeed detest being me – those are times when i love too deep, fall too hard, break apart, struggle with physical handicaps etc… i do not really want the fragility do i? why? because i see that the world seems to belong to the strong, hardhearted and shallow…
but other times, when i [...]
Archive for the ‘journal’ Category
01 nov 2009 – layers
Posted in dichotomy, fatigue, fragility, friendship, general, hope, journal, life & death, love, questions, relationships, society, tagged Asperger's, Behcet's Syndrome, courage, deceit, emotion, friend, friendship, honesty, lie, pain, relationships, resolution, strength, tired, truth on November 1, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
31 oct 2009 – a different beat
Posted in dichotomy, family, friendship, general, journal, life & death, love, questions, relationships, society, tagged Asperger's, dance, emotion, friend, friendship, honesty, lie, life, love, man, relationships, support, truth, woman on October 31, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
“she probably thinks you are insane”… “she has disappeared because of what u said to her”… small little hints, and by now, i ‘understand’ human communication enough to pick up from these words a message of blame… that being different so markedly is somehow deemed ‘wrong’… and that telling the truth to people whom i [...]
26 oct 2009 – truth or dare
Posted in dichotomy, fatigue, fragility, general, journal, life & death, questions, tagged Asperger's, Behcet's Syndrome, courage, fatigue, fear, honesty, silent scream, tired, truth on October 26, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
tell the truth or perform a dare?… sometimes life really is a game… a game which i barely understand, and which i m now very very tired of trying to play…
the trouble with asperger’s is that i KNOW i m different, but i m helpless to change this difference… and behcet’s really doesnt help, does [...]
25 oct 2009 – broken body
Posted in dichotomy, fatigue, fragility, general, journal, senses, tagged arthritis, Asperger's, Behcet's Syndrome, body, fatigue, headache, lie, life, pain, painkillers, perspective, stress, suffering, tired, truth, ulcers on October 25, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
i m reminded abt the broken body i live in all the time… little things that nobody will ever know, just by looking at me… do i deliberately ‘hide’ things? lie?… once he accused me of this… but i hv been accused of many things before, and i guess i oughta get used to it… [...]
19 oct 2009 – back in the desert
Posted in family, fatigue, fragility, general, journal, tagged arthritis, Behcet's Syndrome, body, courage, fatigue, tired on October 19, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
back in the desert… spartan living… cold reality of life alone… tho i kw i m never completely alone… i also kw i HAVE to do this last leg of this particular part of the journey as best as i can…
went to view a few apartments in a different area of town yesterday and had [...]
12 oct 2009 – chugging along
Posted in fatigue, general, hope, journal, tagged arthritis, Asperger's, Behcet's Syndrome, body, fatigue, pain, perspective, strength, ulcers, vertigo on October 12, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
wonder how many ppl with asperger’s also suffer from behcet’s? … just another aspie musing, i guess… i notice i hv been generally free from the painful TMJ symptoms this entire summer… yippee! small blessings are very big things really, especially when these help to alleviate pain…
chugging along… fatigue is a constant companion… but always [...]
10 oct 2009 – buried not dead
Posted in dichotomy, fragility, journal, love, questions, relationships, tagged grief, healing, heartbreak, hope, irony, love, man, marriage, pain, relationships, woman on October 10, 2009 | 2 Comments »
they say time heals… but nay, time does not heal… time merely buries… and wounds of pain and grief lie deep underneath the rubble of what begins as a shattering calamity but which slowly settles with time, and soon, nobody notices anymore…
yes, life goes on, above the settled debris, a new landscape springs forth… but [...]
05 sep 2009 – summer’s end
Posted in hope, journal, tagged courage, dreams, emotion, hope, life, resolution, strength on October 5, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
here we r, at summer’s end… already… i dont wanna move on, but there are things waiting for me over there…
packing and repacking today… more than 3 months already, i dont kw what’s happened to my apartment… and strangely, i dont really care… but return i must… to finish what i started to do… and i [...]
1 oct 2009 – no respite?
Posted in fatigue, fragility, journal, questions, tagged Behcet's Syndrome, body, fatigue, headache, illness, nausea, pain, painkillers, tired, ulcers, vertigo on October 1, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
is there no respite from behcet’s, i often wonder… ?… ulcers in throat hv been fierce, and the tongue swollen with strategic one near the base… eating is uncomfortable but thank god i love my food! … had a bad tummy all night… as if anyone wants to hear abt this?… mild fever this morning [...]
29 sep 2009 – goldfish
Posted in dichotomy, family, fragility, journal, life & death, love, questions, relationships, senses, society, tagged Asperger's, death, fear, goldfish, helpless, hopeless, misunderstand, pain, shock, silent scream, understanding on September 29, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
a startled goldfish… a silent scream… dry hot tears streaming from nowhere… just a terrible terrible shock reaction… rush of fear into the brain… a practical joke gone wrong… someone thinking it wld be fun to knock on my window in the middle of the night to say hello?… my heart now can’t stop thumping [...]
26 sep 2009 – tomorrow already
Posted in family, fatigue, fragility, general, hope, journal, life & death, love, questions, relationships, society, tagged Behcet's Syndrome, fatigue, headache, help, life, love, old age, perspective, suffering, support, tired on September 26, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
it’s tomorrow already… i mean today… was yesterday and now it is tomorrow… time swishes by…
tired, aching all over… ulcers… throbbing headache… backache… it’s past midnight and i shd go to bed… been a long long day…
no i m no hero for justice… but i do hate it when the weak, old and helpless are [...]
24 sep 2009 – chiaroscurro
Posted in dichotomy, family, fragility, general, journal, life & death, love, questions, senses, society, tagged art, beauty, Chiara, chiaroscurro, child, dada, family, father, Geertan tot Sint Jans, heartbreak, irony, love, man, mother, pain, painting, perspective, Renaissance, suffering, truth, woman on September 24, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
it started out dark and stormy today… now the sunlight is shining brightly, dancing on the surfaces of the swaying tree branches, water in the pool and the flowers in my patio… and i thought of the words: “chiaroscurro”, “chiara”, and a certain family of three that have featured strongly in my life recently in [...]
22 sep 2009 – poorer but happier
Posted in family, friendship, hope, journal, life & death, love, relationships, tagged arthritis, Asperger's, Behcet's Syndrome, body, courage, emotion, friendship, headache, help, hope, illness, life, love, pain, perspective, relationships, strength, suffering, support, truth, ulcers, vertigo on September 22, 2009 | 2 Comments »
everyone wishes to have lots of money… and indeed once upon a long long time ago i did indeed have quite a bit… but aspies are not known to be great with money… c’est moi: too gullible, too generous, too impulsive, too plain lousy at keeping those balance sheets… maths has never been my forte, [...]
20 sep 2009 – death & new life
Posted in family, hope, journal, life & death, love, relationships, tagged Asperger's, beauty, Ecclesiastes, friend, friendship, life, love, pain, perspective, relationships, resolution, support, The Byrds, truth, video on September 20, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
2 years already – he left 2 years ago today… and when he left, a can of worms sprang open… pandora’s box… the demons, the skeletons, tearing apart all that was familiar and wreaking utter havoc on the very foundations of my life as i knew it… but now, 2 years on, death has given [...]
asperger’s – THIS is the life!
Posted in family, fatigue, fragility, general, journal, questions, senses, tagged Asperger's, depression, emotion, relationships, suffering, tired on September 14, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
oh while the smelly workmen were wandering in and out filling my air with rancidity, i wrote a long nasty letter as per instruction from mom… and now, fatigued from brainmeltmeltdown and churning inside the acid reflux drum of clattering guilt… time for non-bed… i.e. too tired to sleep, too alive to die… damn, and [...]
14 sep 2009 – brainmelt
Posted in dichotomy, family, fatigue, fragility, general, journal, love, questions, relationships, senses, society, tagged Asperger's, Behcet's Syndrome, depression, emotion, fatigue, female asperger's, headache, help, love, man, meltdown, mind, pain, stress, tired, ulcers, vertigo, woman on September 14, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
stressful day… smelly workmen in and out all day fixing stuff… the smell was so bad in this heat… and the stress from having 2 strangers (who smell bad) walking around the house all day… it was inevitable i guess, the final meltdown… long after they’d gone… after a great dinner (which i cooked)… two [...]
13 sep 2009 – brainfreeze
Posted in dichotomy, fatigue, fragility, friendship, journal, love, questions, relationships, society, tagged friend, friendship, love, money, poverty, Temple Grandin, tired, worth on September 13, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
suddenly having a brainfreeze moment… yep… last 3 days spent doing translations… a non-profit arts group, so of course the pay was peanuts, but hey, peanuts to some monkeys can be chocolate cake to others… and this monkey, well, no i m not saying i m desperate for cake but i won’t turn down an [...]
10 sep 2009 – just before midnight
Posted in family, fatigue, fragility, friendship, general, hope, journal, love, questions, relationships, senses, society, tagged Asperger's, Behcet's Syndrome, depression, emotion, food, honesty, hope, life, love, man, mind, nightmare, pain, painkillers, perspective, relationships, resolution, skank, ulcers, vertigo, woman on September 10, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
just before midnight… throbbing ulcers and swollen throat… mild vertigo… thinking abt nothing much, yet too many different things at once… took a painkiller before dinner – still hurt like crazy but i love eating… and yeah i do like my own cooking… seems like my family liked it too… pork ribs with hawaiian herb [...]
09 sep 2009 – comfort food
Posted in fragility, journal, questions, senses, tagged Behcet's Syndrome, joy, pain, painkillers, ulcers on September 9, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
it does get so painful that the pain ‘makes’ a ringing sound in the ear… and my ears hv been ringing all day… the throat is inflamed and a huge deep crater of an ulcer throbs angrily at the bottom of the base of my tongue… not to mention the dozens others scattered around like [...]
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