brrrr it has been cold here the last two days… had the heater on all night and through the day when at home… tiring day… worked on some writing, then hacked away at the details for the planned move, got all togged up to get out… the bust was crowded and oh so stuffy, i [...]
Archive for the ‘journal’ Category
18 nov 2009 – brrrr
Posted in fatigue, fragility, journal, senses, society, tagged nausea, panic, sensory overload, smell on November 18, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
17 nov 2009 – mr. multi
Posted in dichotomy, fragility, friendship, journal, love, questions, relationships, society, tagged beauty, grief, irony, love, pain, truth, Veronica on November 17, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
he once said to me, “i am a multi-personalities man”… seems like such a long long time ago now, yet still so vividly clear and resonant in my head… i dont kw whether to laugh out loud or shake with sorrow at such irony and farce… indeed, he is a multi-personalities man… mr. multi… richly [...]
15 nov 2009 – scrambled
Posted in fatigue, fragility, friendship, general, hope, journal, relationships, society, tagged Behcet's Syndrome, body, pain, strength, truth, perspective, courage, honesty, Asperger's, painkillers, headache, stress, ulcers, relationships, fatigue, tired, friendship, friend, TMJ on November 15, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
thoughts scrambled… too too tired… busy week… not all good… but at least it ended well… by well i mean the last 2 social events were with good friends… last nite with a great friend and collaborator, and his lovely wife, and today with another friend who shares my love for food… i meant it [...]
14 nov 2009 – food rituals
Posted in fragility, hope, journal, senses, tagged celebrate, food, life, pain, ritual, TMJ, ulcers on November 14, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
TMJ again… seems to hv come back when i returned here… ah well… c’est ma vie!… still cld manage a nice tomato & mozarella toasty for lunch anyway, which is always good news… for those who hv never been plagued with mouth ulcers and TMJ at the same time, a simple thing like being able [...]
woof!
Posted in family, friendship, hope, journal, love, relationships, tagged blessing, contentment, family, friendship, happy, help, love, support on November 13, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
mindbloggingly gibberishy gobbledegoob like oooooooodles of noodles running amok inside one’s head unravelling completely with sounds of syllables that mean nothing and mean plenty at the same time… woof!
moving house is no joke at all… esp for an aspie… been obsessively drawing out and redrawing over and over again my plans… i laugh at myself, [...]
13 nov 2009 – smoking barrels
Posted in dichotomy, general, hope, journal, questions, society, tagged Asperger's, beauty, courage, creativity, honesty, hope, life, passion, perspective, rejection, resolution on November 13, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
yes, i kw, i ask the darnest questions… yes, i often put people in a spot… and yes yes yes, ppl r known to react negatively… but shd i even bother to try to be common, ordinary, unchallenging and bland?… not that there is anything intrinsically wrong abt being common, ordinary, unchallenging and bland, if [...]
11 nov 2009 – overload!
Posted in fatigue, friendship, journal, love, questions, relationships, senses, society, tagged love, talent, music, art, relationships, friendship, friend, lie, sensory overload on November 11, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
beautiful clear skies today… what a day to forget my handy carry camera! urrrgh!… i cld see the blue of the sky contrasting against white white fluffy clouds – this IS a rare sight where i live now, with the constant pollution problem escalating by the minute… anyway, i was savouring every visual moment as [...]
01 nov 2009 – layers
Posted in dichotomy, fatigue, fragility, friendship, general, hope, journal, life & death, love, questions, relationships, society, tagged Behcet's Syndrome, pain, strength, truth, courage, resolution, honesty, Asperger's, emotion, relationships, tired, friendship, friend, lie, deceit on November 1, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
sometimes i do indeed detest being me – those are times when i love too deep, fall too hard, break apart, struggle with physical handicaps etc… i do not really want the fragility do i? why? because i see that the world seems to belong to the strong, hardhearted and shallow…
but other times, when i [...]
31 oct 2009 – a different beat
Posted in dichotomy, family, friendship, general, journal, life & death, love, questions, relationships, society, tagged truth, life, love, woman, honesty, support, Asperger's, man, emotion, relationships, friendship, friend, lie, dance on October 31, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
“she probably thinks you are insane”… “she has disappeared because of what u said to her”… small little hints, and by now, i ‘understand’ human communication enough to pick up from these words a message of blame… that being different so markedly is somehow deemed ‘wrong’… and that telling the truth to people whom i [...]
26 oct 2009 – truth or dare
Posted in dichotomy, fatigue, fragility, general, journal, life & death, questions, tagged Asperger's, Behcet's Syndrome, courage, fatigue, fear, honesty, silent scream, tired, truth on October 26, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
tell the truth or perform a dare?… sometimes life really is a game… a game which i barely understand, and which i m now very very tired of trying to play…
the trouble with asperger’s is that i KNOW i m different, but i m helpless to change this difference… and behcet’s really doesnt help, does [...]
25 oct 2009 – broken body
Posted in dichotomy, fatigue, fragility, general, journal, senses, tagged arthritis, Asperger's, Behcet's Syndrome, body, fatigue, headache, lie, life, pain, painkillers, perspective, stress, suffering, tired, truth, ulcers on October 25, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
i m reminded abt the broken body i live in all the time… little things that nobody will ever know, just by looking at me… do i deliberately ‘hide’ things? lie?… once he accused me of this… but i hv been accused of many things before, and i guess i oughta get used to it… [...]
19 oct 2009 – back in the desert
Posted in family, fatigue, fragility, general, journal, tagged arthritis, Behcet's Syndrome, body, courage, fatigue, tired on October 19, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
back in the desert… spartan living… cold reality of life alone… tho i kw i m never completely alone… i also kw i HAVE to do this last leg of this particular part of the journey as best as i can…
went to view a few apartments in a different area of town yesterday and had [...]
12 oct 2009 – chugging along
Posted in fatigue, general, hope, journal, tagged arthritis, Asperger's, Behcet's Syndrome, body, fatigue, pain, perspective, strength, ulcers, vertigo on October 12, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
wonder how many ppl with asperger’s also suffer from behcet’s? … just another aspie musing, i guess… i notice i hv been generally free from the painful TMJ symptoms this entire summer… yippee! small blessings are very big things really, especially when these help to alleviate pain…
chugging along… fatigue is a constant companion… but always [...]
10 oct 2009 – buried not dead
Posted in dichotomy, fragility, journal, love, questions, relationships, tagged pain, love, woman, man, marriage, relationships, heartbreak, hope, irony, healing, grief on October 10, 2009 | 2 Comments »
they say time heals… but nay, time does not heal… time merely buries… and wounds of pain and grief lie deep underneath the rubble of what begins as a shattering calamity but which slowly settles with time, and soon, nobody notices anymore…
yes, life goes on, above the settled debris, a new landscape springs forth… but [...]
05 sep 2009 – summer’s end
Posted in hope, journal, tagged courage, dreams, emotion, hope, life, resolution, strength on October 5, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
here we r, at summer’s end… already… i dont wanna move on, but there are things waiting for me over there…
packing and repacking today… more than 3 months already, i dont kw what’s happened to my apartment… and strangely, i dont really care… but return i must… to finish what i started to do… and i [...]
1 oct 2009 – no respite?
Posted in fatigue, fragility, journal, questions, tagged Behcet's Syndrome, body, fatigue, headache, illness, nausea, pain, painkillers, tired, ulcers, vertigo on October 1, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
is there no respite from behcet’s, i often wonder… ?… ulcers in throat hv been fierce, and the tongue swollen with strategic one near the base… eating is uncomfortable but thank god i love my food! … had a bad tummy all night… as if anyone wants to hear abt this?… mild fever this morning [...]
29 sep 2009 – goldfish
Posted in dichotomy, family, fragility, journal, life & death, love, questions, relationships, senses, society, tagged pain, understanding, fear, silent scream, Asperger's, death, misunderstand, shock, helpless, hopeless, goldfish on September 29, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
a startled goldfish… a silent scream… dry hot tears streaming from nowhere… just a terrible terrible shock reaction… rush of fear into the brain… a practical joke gone wrong… someone thinking it wld be fun to knock on my window in the middle of the night to say hello?… my heart now can’t stop thumping [...]
26 sep 2009 – tomorrow already
Posted in family, fatigue, fragility, general, hope, journal, life & death, love, questions, relationships, society, tagged Behcet's Syndrome, fatigue, headache, help, life, love, old age, perspective, suffering, support, tired on September 26, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
it’s tomorrow already… i mean today… was yesterday and now it is tomorrow… time swishes by…
tired, aching all over… ulcers… throbbing headache… backache… it’s past midnight and i shd go to bed… been a long long day…
no i m no hero for justice… but i do hate it when the weak, old and helpless are [...]
24 sep 2009 – chiaroscurro
Posted in dichotomy, family, fragility, general, journal, life & death, love, questions, senses, society, tagged art, beauty, Chiara, chiaroscurro, child, dada, family, father, Geertan tot Sint Jans, heartbreak, irony, love, man, mother, pain, painting, perspective, Renaissance, suffering, truth, woman on September 24, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
it started out dark and stormy today… now the sunlight is shining brightly, dancing on the surfaces of the swaying tree branches, water in the pool and the flowers in my patio… and i thought of the words: “chiaroscurro”, “chiara”, and a certain family of three that have featured strongly in my life recently in [...]
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