01 nov 2009 – layers

sometimes i do indeed detest being me – those are times when i love too deep, fall too hard, break apart, struggle with physical handicaps etc… i do not really want the fragility do i? why? because i see that the world seems to belong to the strong, hardhearted and shallow…
but other times, when i [...]

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20 oct 2009 – when october goes

i tried to exercise today, but the vertigo was so bad… i hv been suffering from chronic vertigo, probably due to BPPV (Benign Paroxysmal Positional Vertigo)… now i feel nauseous and my ears are ringing slightly… been eating far too much this summer… a weight off my mind, the mental and emotional torture over… the physical [...]

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12 oct 2009 – chugging along

wonder how many ppl with asperger’s also suffer from behcet’s? … just another aspie musing, i guess… i notice i hv been generally free from the painful TMJ symptoms this entire summer… yippee! small blessings are very big things really, especially when these help to alleviate pain…
chugging along… fatigue is a constant companion… but always [...]

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05 sep 2009 – summer’s end

here we r, at summer’s end… already… i dont wanna move on, but there are things waiting for me over there…
packing and repacking today… more than 3 months already, i dont kw what’s happened to my apartment… and strangely, i dont really care… but return i must… to finish what i started to do… and i [...]

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old habits die hard

heard he’s been trawling facebook for women… unlike some who search at random, he is a well known figure who attracts willing ‘fans’ through various groups dedicated to him and his work… willing (but many uninformed) flies to the fire for sure… if u were a young (or even not so young) woman who loves [...]

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26 sep 2009 – tomorrow already

it’s tomorrow already… i mean today… was yesterday and now it is tomorrow… time swishes by…
tired, aching all over… ulcers… throbbing headache… backache… it’s past midnight and i shd go to bed… been a long long day…
no i m no hero for justice… but i do hate it when the weak, old and helpless are [...]

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23 sep 2009 – sins of the father…?

what goes around comes around? does it really? i’d like to believe so… but sometimes, i do wonder… HOW exactly is it gonna come back around?
read recently abt the sentencing of russian-american pedophile Andrew Mogilyansky – i was struck by the absurdity of his wife’s claim that he was a good husband and father… i [...]

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22 sep 2009 – poorer but happier

everyone wishes to have lots of money… and indeed once upon a long long time ago i did indeed have quite a bit… but aspies are not known to be great with money… c’est moi: too gullible, too generous, too impulsive, too plain lousy at keeping those balance sheets… maths has never been my forte, [...]

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20 sep 2009 – death & new life

2 years already – he left 2 years ago today… and when he left, a can of worms sprang open… pandora’s box… the demons, the skeletons, tearing apart all that was familiar and wreaking utter havoc on the very foundations of my life as i knew it… but now, 2 years on, death has given [...]

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one last cheer up

one last cheer up before beddy bye… i need the naivety and innocence back… ah… fred astaire… this shd be a spunkykitty post really, but anyhow, here they are, bing and fred doing one of the silliest routines i’ve ever seen yet how i used to love it as a child… i can still watch [...]

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10 sep 2009 – just before midnight

just before midnight… throbbing ulcers and swollen throat… mild vertigo… thinking abt nothing much, yet too many different things at once… took a painkiller before dinner – still hurt like crazy but i love eating… and yeah i do like my own cooking… seems like my family liked it too… pork ribs with hawaiian herb [...]

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05 sep 2009 – asperger’s IS my life

asperger’s IS indeed my life, no matter how i tried to hide it in the past… but that was largely becos i did not kw what was ‘wrong’ with me… now that i kw, i m no longer ashamed or afraid of being different… i hv a lot to offer the world, the ppl i [...]

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a proper end

they say ppl with asperger’s are childish and immature… it is true… i admit i m… i cannot seem to ‘grow up’ and be wise like other adults… it takes me far too long to grasp things that others do within split seconds… and one thing i hv been very unwise abt is my generosity [...]

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02 sep 2009 – swimming

head swimming, that is… vertigo… not sure abt my morning swim today… tho the sunshine this morning is pretty inviting… it’s rained the last couple of days… glad to see the sun again…
feeling tired… fatigued… either battling a mild infection somewhere or just the autoimmune…
ulcers always feel better in the morning, and becomes more painful [...]

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01 sep 2009 – tired eyes

waking up with dry tired eyes… dark rings… eye bags… maybe it’s the computer screen… the light’s too bright… reflection… or… maybe my eyes r just the windows to my soul… tired soul…
not feeling too well the past few days… tossing and turning in sleep, but funny thing, no more nightmares of that skank… good [...]

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dear little swallow

dear little swallow,
where r u now? i hv not heard from u for some time… but i kw u must be on some ‘alone’ trip off in some countryside somewhere?…
i just want to tell u that i m thinking of u again right now… and thank u for being such a wonderful friend to me… u [...]

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30 aug 2009 – rain

rainy day… no lightning… just pitter patter of steady heavy rain… splattering on the awning, wetting the patio floor… i can see reflections on the dark brown wooden planks… rain bouncing on the surface of the pool like dancing water nymphs…
nightmares last night… restless sleep… vertigo and nausea this morning… ok time for stemetil… oh [...]

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swallow

a little swallow came by this morning, as i was swimming in the pool, and lightly dipped in and out, as if in greeting… sharing the sunlight and the cool water… i watched it fly away, up into the azure blue sky, then away beyond my vision… and i thought of u… that beautiful little [...]

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asperger’s, lies and the spirit

modern psychology goes on and on abt fascinating new discoveries, but seldom do i ever read anything that acknowledges the immutable fact that we have spirits…
why is it so difficult for aspies to lie? is it becos we r more ‘moral’ people? i doubt so… click here for an interesting article by autism researcher, Simon [...]

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move on

i want to move on
i want to heal at last
i want to forget the pain
i want to leave the past
sweetness for bitter
silk threads for hemp
acceptance for rejection
no longer condemned
i will keep loving
i will forgive
i will let go
i will live
joy for mourning
laughter for tears
assurance for mockery
no more taunting jeers
i will keep hoping
i will be true
whatever u [...]

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