he once said to me, “i am a multi-personalities man”… seems like such a long long time ago now, yet still so vividly clear and resonant in my head… i dont kw whether to laugh out loud or shake with sorrow at such irony and farce… indeed, he is a multi-personalities man… mr. multi… richly [...]
Archive for the ‘fragility’ Category
17 nov 2009 – mr. multi
Posted in dichotomy, fragility, friendship, journal, love, questions, relationships, society, tagged beauty, grief, irony, love, pain, truth, Veronica on November 17, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
15 nov 2009 – scrambled
Posted in fatigue, fragility, friendship, general, hope, journal, relationships, society, tagged Behcet's Syndrome, body, pain, strength, truth, perspective, courage, honesty, Asperger's, painkillers, headache, stress, ulcers, relationships, fatigue, tired, friendship, friend, TMJ on November 15, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
thoughts scrambled… too too tired… busy week… not all good… but at least it ended well… by well i mean the last 2 social events were with good friends… last nite with a great friend and collaborator, and his lovely wife, and today with another friend who shares my love for food… i meant it [...]
14 nov 2009 – food rituals
Posted in fragility, hope, journal, senses, tagged celebrate, food, life, pain, ritual, TMJ, ulcers on November 14, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
TMJ again… seems to hv come back when i returned here… ah well… c’est ma vie!… still cld manage a nice tomato & mozarella toasty for lunch anyway, which is always good news… for those who hv never been plagued with mouth ulcers and TMJ at the same time, a simple thing like being able [...]
warning
Posted in dichotomy, fragility, love, tagged beauty, deceit, pain, poetry, Veronica, words on November 9, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
beauty so amazing
awakening dreams
into searing nightmares
engulfing embrace
insidious tenderness
sucking the very life of light
spat far askance
into the black hole of despair
“beware” she whispered
mournful testimony
truth that resonates
so strong
but only to the hearing
and thus the angel lives
to tell the tale
as shall the fallen
alike
with her
——————–
i thought of veronica today… actually i think of her quite often… she is very special… [...]
01 nov 2009 – layers
Posted in dichotomy, fatigue, fragility, friendship, general, hope, journal, life & death, love, questions, relationships, society, tagged Behcet's Syndrome, pain, strength, truth, courage, resolution, honesty, Asperger's, emotion, relationships, tired, friendship, friend, lie, deceit on November 1, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
sometimes i do indeed detest being me – those are times when i love too deep, fall too hard, break apart, struggle with physical handicaps etc… i do not really want the fragility do i? why? because i see that the world seems to belong to the strong, hardhearted and shallow…
but other times, when i [...]
26 oct 2009 – truth or dare
Posted in dichotomy, fatigue, fragility, general, journal, life & death, questions, tagged Behcet's Syndrome, truth, fear, courage, silent scream, honesty, Asperger's, fatigue, tired on October 26, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
tell the truth or perform a dare?… sometimes life really is a game… a game which i barely understand, and which i m now very very tired of trying to play…
the trouble with asperger’s is that i KNOW i m different, but i m helpless to change this difference… and behcet’s really doesnt help, does [...]
25 oct 2009 – broken body
Posted in dichotomy, fatigue, fragility, general, journal, senses, tagged Behcet's Syndrome, body, pain, truth, life, perspective, suffering, Asperger's, painkillers, arthritis, headache, stress, ulcers, fatigue, tired, lie on October 25, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
i m reminded abt the broken body i live in all the time… little things that nobody will ever know, just by looking at me… do i deliberately ‘hide’ things? lie?… once he accused me of this… but i hv been accused of many things before, and i guess i oughta get used to it… [...]
19 oct 2009 – back in the desert
Posted in family, fatigue, fragility, general, journal, tagged Behcet's Syndrome, body, courage, arthritis, fatigue, tired on October 19, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
back in the desert… spartan living… cold reality of life alone… tho i kw i m never completely alone… i also kw i HAVE to do this last leg of this particular part of the journey as best as i can…
went to view a few apartments in a different area of town yesterday and had [...]
10 oct 2009 – buried not dead
Posted in dichotomy, fragility, journal, love, questions, relationships, tagged pain, love, woman, man, marriage, relationships, heartbreak, hope, irony, healing, grief on October 10, 2009 | 2 Comments »
they say time heals… but nay, time does not heal… time merely buries… and wounds of pain and grief lie deep underneath the rubble of what begins as a shattering calamity but which slowly settles with time, and soon, nobody notices anymore…
yes, life goes on, above the settled debris, a new landscape springs forth… but [...]
1 oct 2009 – no respite?
Posted in fatigue, fragility, journal, questions, tagged Behcet's Syndrome, body, pain, illness, vertigo, painkillers, nausea, headache, ulcers, fatigue, tired on October 1, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
is there no respite from behcet’s, i often wonder… ?… ulcers in throat hv been fierce, and the tongue swollen with strategic one near the base… eating is uncomfortable but thank god i love my food! … had a bad tummy all night… as if anyone wants to hear abt this?… mild fever this morning [...]
29 sep 2009 – goldfish
Posted in dichotomy, family, fragility, journal, life & death, love, questions, relationships, senses, society, tagged pain, understanding, fear, silent scream, Asperger's, death, misunderstand, shock, helpless, hopeless, goldfish on September 29, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
a startled goldfish… a silent scream… dry hot tears streaming from nowhere… just a terrible terrible shock reaction… rush of fear into the brain… a practical joke gone wrong… someone thinking it wld be fun to knock on my window in the middle of the night to say hello?… my heart now can’t stop thumping [...]
26 sep 2009 – tomorrow already
Posted in family, fatigue, fragility, general, hope, journal, life & death, love, questions, relationships, society, tagged Behcet's Syndrome, life, perspective, love, suffering, help, support, headache, fatigue, tired, old age on September 26, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
it’s tomorrow already… i mean today… was yesterday and now it is tomorrow… time swishes by…
tired, aching all over… ulcers… throbbing headache… backache… it’s past midnight and i shd go to bed… been a long long day…
no i m no hero for justice… but i do hate it when the weak, old and helpless are [...]
24 sep 2009 – chiaroscurro
Posted in dichotomy, family, fragility, general, journal, life & death, love, questions, senses, society, tagged beauty, pain, truth, child, perspective, father, love, woman, suffering, man, mother, art, heartbreak, family, irony, painting, dada, Chiara, chiaroscurro, Geertan tot Sint Jans, Renaissance on September 24, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
it started out dark and stormy today… now the sunlight is shining brightly, dancing on the surfaces of the swaying tree branches, water in the pool and the flowers in my patio… and i thought of the words: “chiaroscurro”, “chiara”, and a certain family of three that have featured strongly in my life recently in [...]
asperger’s – THIS is the life!
Posted in family, fatigue, fragility, general, journal, questions, senses, tagged suffering, Asperger's, emotion, relationships, tired, depression on September 14, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
oh while the smelly workmen were wandering in and out filling my air with rancidity, i wrote a long nasty letter as per instruction from mom… and now, fatigued from brainmeltmeltdown and churning inside the acid reflux drum of clattering guilt… time for non-bed… i.e. too tired to sleep, too alive to die… damn, and [...]
14 sep 2009 – brainmelt
Posted in dichotomy, family, fatigue, fragility, general, journal, love, questions, relationships, senses, society, tagged Behcet's Syndrome, pain, mind, love, woman, vertigo, help, Asperger's, man, emotion, headache, stress, ulcers, fatigue, tired, depression, meltdown, female asperger's on September 14, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
stressful day… smelly workmen in and out all day fixing stuff… the smell was so bad in this heat… and the stress from having 2 strangers (who smell bad) walking around the house all day… it was inevitable i guess, the final meltdown… long after they’d gone… after a great dinner (which i cooked)… two [...]
13 sep 2009 – brainfreeze
Posted in dichotomy, fatigue, fragility, friendship, journal, love, questions, relationships, society, tagged love, worth, money, tired, friendship, friend, poverty, Temple Grandin on September 13, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
suddenly having a brainfreeze moment… yep… last 3 days spent doing translations… a non-profit arts group, so of course the pay was peanuts, but hey, peanuts to some monkeys can be chocolate cake to others… and this monkey, well, no i m not saying i m desperate for cake but i won’t turn down an [...]
10 sep 2009 – just before midnight
Posted in family, fatigue, fragility, friendship, general, hope, journal, love, questions, relationships, senses, society, tagged Behcet's Syndrome, pain, life, perspective, mind, love, woman, resolution, vertigo, honesty, Asperger's, painkillers, man, emotion, ulcers, relationships, hope, food, depression, nightmare, skank on September 10, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
just before midnight… throbbing ulcers and swollen throat… mild vertigo… thinking abt nothing much, yet too many different things at once… took a painkiller before dinner – still hurt like crazy but i love eating… and yeah i do like my own cooking… seems like my family liked it too… pork ribs with hawaiian herb [...]
09 sep 2009 – comfort food
Posted in fragility, journal, questions, senses, tagged Behcet's Syndrome, pain, painkillers, ulcers, joy on September 9, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
it does get so painful that the pain ‘makes’ a ringing sound in the ear… and my ears hv been ringing all day… the throat is inflamed and a huge deep crater of an ulcer throbs angrily at the bottom of the base of my tongue… not to mention the dozens others scattered around like [...]
04 sep 2009 – aching fatigue
Posted in fatigue, fragility, journal, love, questions, relationships, tagged Behcet's Syndrome, pain, Asperger's, arthritis, headache, fatigue, tired, dreams, nightmare on September 4, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
aching fatigue… the arthritis still throbs in the night, so i kw it is there somewhere, i didnt manage to get rid of this flare up, it’s been more than 3 months now… painful dreams… running running running to catch up with loved ones but my legs r just not strong enough… giving giving giving, [...]
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