01 nov 2009 – layers

sometimes i do indeed detest being me – those are times when i love too deep, fall too hard, break apart, struggle with physical handicaps etc… i do not really want the fragility do i? why? because i see that the world seems to belong to the strong, hardhearted and shallow…
but other times, when i [...]

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26 oct 2009 – truth or dare

tell the truth or perform a dare?… sometimes life really is a game… a game which i barely understand, and which i m now very very tired of trying to play…
the trouble with asperger’s is that i KNOW i m different, but i m helpless to change this difference… and behcet’s really doesnt help, does [...]

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25 oct 2009 – broken body

i m reminded abt the broken body i live in all the time… little things that nobody will ever know, just by looking at me… do i deliberately ‘hide’ things? lie?… once he accused me of this… but i hv been accused of many things before, and i guess i oughta get used to it… [...]

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20 oct 2009 – when october goes

i tried to exercise today, but the vertigo was so bad… i hv been suffering from chronic vertigo, probably due to BPPV (Benign Paroxysmal Positional Vertigo)… now i feel nauseous and my ears are ringing slightly… been eating far too much this summer… a weight off my mind, the mental and emotional torture over… the physical [...]

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19 oct 2009 – back in the desert

back in the desert… spartan living… cold reality of life alone… tho i kw i m never completely alone… i also kw i HAVE to do this last leg of this particular part of the journey as best as i can…
went to view a few apartments in a different area of town yesterday and had [...]

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12 oct 2009 – chugging along

wonder how many ppl with asperger’s also suffer from behcet’s? … just another aspie musing, i guess… i notice i hv been generally free from the painful TMJ symptoms this entire summer… yippee! small blessings are very big things really, especially when these help to alleviate pain…
chugging along… fatigue is a constant companion… but always [...]

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1 oct 2009 – no respite?

is there no respite from behcet’s, i often wonder… ?… ulcers in throat hv been fierce, and the tongue swollen with strategic one near the base… eating is uncomfortable but thank god i love my food! … had a bad tummy all night… as if anyone wants to hear abt this?… mild fever this morning [...]

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26 sep 2009 – tomorrow already

it’s tomorrow already… i mean today… was yesterday and now it is tomorrow… time swishes by…
tired, aching all over… ulcers… throbbing headache… backache… it’s past midnight and i shd go to bed… been a long long day…
no i m no hero for justice… but i do hate it when the weak, old and helpless are [...]

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asperger’s – THIS is the life!

oh while the smelly workmen were wandering in and out filling my air with rancidity, i wrote a long nasty letter as per instruction from mom… and now, fatigued from brainmeltmeltdown and churning inside the acid reflux drum of clattering guilt… time for non-bed… i.e. too tired to sleep, too alive to die… damn, and [...]

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14 sep 2009 – brainmelt

stressful day… smelly workmen in and out all day fixing stuff… the smell was so bad in this heat… and the stress from having 2 strangers (who smell bad) walking around the house all day… it was inevitable i guess, the final meltdown… long after they’d gone… after a great dinner (which i cooked)… two [...]

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13 sep 2009 – brainfreeze

suddenly having a brainfreeze moment… yep… last 3 days spent doing translations… a non-profit arts group, so of course the pay was peanuts, but hey, peanuts to some monkeys can be chocolate cake to others… and this monkey, well, no i m not saying i m desperate for cake but i won’t turn down an [...]

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10 sep 2009 – just before midnight

just before midnight… throbbing ulcers and swollen throat… mild vertigo… thinking abt nothing much, yet too many different things at once… took a painkiller before dinner – still hurt like crazy but i love eating… and yeah i do like my own cooking… seems like my family liked it too… pork ribs with hawaiian herb [...]

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08 sep 2009 – holes

holes in my throat… ulcers, i mean… it’s tiresome, one wave after another… never without pain… this afternoon i hv acupuncture and acupressure sesssion… holes in my knee… the tiny needles shd be no problem for others, but i hv behcet’s, and the tiniest of pinpricks result in angry red circles – yep, just like [...]

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07 sep 2009 – well done spunkykitty!

time for a pat on my back… from me to me… it has been a trying day… but i managed to prevent my own meltdown, and at the same time diffuse a volatile situation between two ppl i love… who says aspies dont hv empathy?… i think we do, a lot more than ‘normal’ NTs [...]

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squabble meltdown

hate it when ppl squabble… problem with one is she doesnt realise how lucky she is to be so much loved and cared for with such dedication… the other is ADD and likes to repeat things over and over, making the one irritated and annoyed… why cant the one loved see beyond the faults of [...]

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04 sep 2009 – aching fatigue

aching fatigue… the arthritis still throbs in the night, so i kw it is there somewhere, i didnt manage to get rid of this flare up, it’s been more than 3 months now… painful dreams… running running running to catch up with loved ones but my legs r just not strong enough… giving giving giving, [...]

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03 sep 2009 – 10 mins to tomorrow

just 10 mins to tomorrow… painful neck, vertigo, deep ulcers and lurching churning fatigue… how did i come to waste 2 years of my life?… and no matter what i did, oh how i tried and tried, i just wasn’t worth honour, truth and simple respect to him… only 5 minutes left to go… tomorrow [...]

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a proper end

they say ppl with asperger’s are childish and immature… it is true… i admit i m… i cannot seem to ‘grow up’ and be wise like other adults… it takes me far too long to grasp things that others do within split seconds… and one thing i hv been very unwise abt is my generosity [...]

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02 sep 2009 – swimming

head swimming, that is… vertigo… not sure abt my morning swim today… tho the sunshine this morning is pretty inviting… it’s rained the last couple of days… glad to see the sun again…
feeling tired… fatigued… either battling a mild infection somewhere or just the autoimmune…
ulcers always feel better in the morning, and becomes more painful [...]

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01 sep 2009 – tired eyes

waking up with dry tired eyes… dark rings… eye bags… maybe it’s the computer screen… the light’s too bright… reflection… or… maybe my eyes r just the windows to my soul… tired soul…
not feeling too well the past few days… tossing and turning in sleep, but funny thing, no more nightmares of that skank… good [...]

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