he once said to me, “i am a multi-personalities man”… seems like such a long long time ago now, yet still so vividly clear and resonant in my head… i dont kw whether to laugh out loud or shake with sorrow at such irony and farce… indeed, he is a multi-personalities man… mr. multi… richly [...]
Archive for the ‘dichotomy’ Category
17 nov 2009 – mr. multi
Posted in dichotomy, fragility, friendship, journal, love, questions, relationships, society, tagged beauty, grief, irony, love, pain, truth, Veronica on November 17, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
13 nov 2009 – smoking barrels
Posted in dichotomy, general, hope, journal, questions, society, tagged beauty, creativity, passion, life, perspective, rejection, courage, resolution, honesty, Asperger's, hope on November 13, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
yes, i kw, i ask the darnest questions… yes, i often put people in a spot… and yes yes yes, ppl r known to react negatively… but shd i even bother to try to be common, ordinary, unchallenging and bland?… not that there is anything intrinsically wrong abt being common, ordinary, unchallenging and bland, if [...]
warning
Posted in dichotomy, fragility, love, tagged beauty, deceit, pain, poetry, Veronica, words on November 9, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
beauty so amazing
awakening dreams
into searing nightmares
engulfing embrace
insidious tenderness
sucking the very life of light
spat far askance
into the black hole of despair
“beware” she whispered
mournful testimony
truth that resonates
so strong
but only to the hearing
and thus the angel lives
to tell the tale
as shall the fallen
alike
with her
——————–
i thought of veronica today… actually i think of her quite often… she is very special… [...]
01 nov 2009 – layers
Posted in dichotomy, fatigue, fragility, friendship, general, hope, journal, life & death, love, questions, relationships, society, tagged Behcet's Syndrome, pain, strength, truth, courage, resolution, honesty, Asperger's, emotion, relationships, tired, friendship, friend, lie, deceit on November 1, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
sometimes i do indeed detest being me – those are times when i love too deep, fall too hard, break apart, struggle with physical handicaps etc… i do not really want the fragility do i? why? because i see that the world seems to belong to the strong, hardhearted and shallow…
but other times, when i [...]
31 oct 2009 – a different beat
Posted in dichotomy, family, friendship, general, journal, life & death, love, questions, relationships, society, tagged Asperger's, dance, emotion, friend, friendship, honesty, lie, life, love, man, relationships, support, truth, woman on October 31, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
“she probably thinks you are insane”… “she has disappeared because of what u said to her”… small little hints, and by now, i ‘understand’ human communication enough to pick up from these words a message of blame… that being different so markedly is somehow deemed ‘wrong’… and that telling the truth to people whom i [...]
26 oct 2009 – truth or dare
Posted in dichotomy, fatigue, fragility, general, journal, life & death, questions, tagged Behcet's Syndrome, truth, fear, courage, silent scream, honesty, Asperger's, fatigue, tired on October 26, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
tell the truth or perform a dare?… sometimes life really is a game… a game which i barely understand, and which i m now very very tired of trying to play…
the trouble with asperger’s is that i KNOW i m different, but i m helpless to change this difference… and behcet’s really doesnt help, does [...]
25 oct 2009 – broken body
Posted in dichotomy, fatigue, fragility, general, journal, senses, tagged Behcet's Syndrome, body, pain, truth, life, perspective, suffering, Asperger's, painkillers, arthritis, headache, stress, ulcers, fatigue, tired, lie on October 25, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
i m reminded abt the broken body i live in all the time… little things that nobody will ever know, just by looking at me… do i deliberately ‘hide’ things? lie?… once he accused me of this… but i hv been accused of many things before, and i guess i oughta get used to it… [...]
10 oct 2009 – buried not dead
Posted in dichotomy, fragility, journal, love, questions, relationships, tagged pain, love, woman, man, marriage, relationships, heartbreak, hope, irony, healing, grief on October 10, 2009 | 2 Comments »
they say time heals… but nay, time does not heal… time merely buries… and wounds of pain and grief lie deep underneath the rubble of what begins as a shattering calamity but which slowly settles with time, and soon, nobody notices anymore…
yes, life goes on, above the settled debris, a new landscape springs forth… but [...]
29 sep 2009 – goldfish
Posted in dichotomy, family, fragility, journal, life & death, love, questions, relationships, senses, society, tagged pain, understanding, fear, silent scream, Asperger's, death, misunderstand, shock, helpless, hopeless, goldfish on September 29, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
a startled goldfish… a silent scream… dry hot tears streaming from nowhere… just a terrible terrible shock reaction… rush of fear into the brain… a practical joke gone wrong… someone thinking it wld be fun to knock on my window in the middle of the night to say hello?… my heart now can’t stop thumping [...]
old habits die hard
Posted in dichotomy, friendship, general, hope, life & death, love, relationships, society, tagged art, beauty, child, creativity, deceit, friend, friendship, heartbreak, help, honesty, lie, life, love, man, music, relationships, truth, woman on September 27, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
heard he’s been trawling facebook for women… unlike some who search at random, he is a well known figure who attracts willing ‘fans’ through various groups dedicated to him and his work… willing (but many uninformed) flies to the fire for sure… if u were a young (or even not so young) woman who loves [...]
24 sep 2009 – chiaroscurro
Posted in dichotomy, family, fragility, general, journal, life & death, love, questions, senses, society, tagged beauty, pain, truth, child, perspective, father, love, woman, suffering, man, mother, art, heartbreak, family, irony, painting, dada, Chiara, chiaroscurro, Geertan tot Sint Jans, Renaissance on September 24, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
it started out dark and stormy today… now the sunlight is shining brightly, dancing on the surfaces of the swaying tree branches, water in the pool and the flowers in my patio… and i thought of the words: “chiaroscurro”, “chiara”, and a certain family of three that have featured strongly in my life recently in [...]
14 sep 2009 – brainmelt
Posted in dichotomy, family, fatigue, fragility, general, journal, love, questions, relationships, senses, society, tagged Behcet's Syndrome, pain, mind, love, woman, vertigo, help, Asperger's, man, emotion, headache, stress, ulcers, fatigue, tired, depression, meltdown, female asperger's on September 14, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
stressful day… smelly workmen in and out all day fixing stuff… the smell was so bad in this heat… and the stress from having 2 strangers (who smell bad) walking around the house all day… it was inevitable i guess, the final meltdown… long after they’d gone… after a great dinner (which i cooked)… two [...]
13 sep 2009 – brainfreeze
Posted in dichotomy, fatigue, fragility, friendship, journal, love, questions, relationships, society, tagged love, worth, money, tired, friendship, friend, poverty, Temple Grandin on September 13, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
suddenly having a brainfreeze moment… yep… last 3 days spent doing translations… a non-profit arts group, so of course the pay was peanuts, but hey, peanuts to some monkeys can be chocolate cake to others… and this monkey, well, no i m not saying i m desperate for cake but i won’t turn down an [...]
vincent – genius at what price?
Posted in dichotomy, fragility, life & death, love, senses, society, tagged creativity, life, child, love, music, art, spirit, video, depression, suicide, Vincent van Gogh, painting, Garden of Flowers, Asperger's Syndrome and high achievement, Starry Night, Don McLean, Vincent on August 31, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
vincent van gogh – “Garden of Flowers” 1888 sold for USD8.4million… if only he were alive to see that… but in his lifetime, he only managed to sell just 1 painting… what price genius?…
i saw prints of his paintings in a picture book as a young child… i was immediately drawn to this man… and [...]
i m not rain man or spock
Posted in dichotomy, fragility, friendship, general, love, questions, relationships, sexuality, society, tagged beauty, pain, passion, perspective, love, woman, Autism, silent scream, suffering, Asperger's, man, emotion, relationships, friendship, Rain Man, Spock, Star Trek, Mozart and the Whale, If You Could Say It In Words, movie, female asperger's on August 30, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
obsessive… odd… in ur own world… all very fine, if u r male and interested in rocket science or something tt media and hype has overdone and over stereotyped – like spock in star trek etc… these r seen as acceptable freaks, kinda cute and yep, listen up, some women find them attractive!
but be female [...]
28 aug 2009 – fatigue
Posted in dichotomy, fatigue, fragility, friendship, hope, love, questions, relationships, society, tagged Behcet's Syndrome, pain, truth, child, perspective, mind, soul, woman, Autism, silent scream, help, honesty, Asperger's, man, emotion, sensitivity, stress, isolation, fatigue, tired, storm, friendship, friend, autoimmune, trust, misunderstand, sunshine on August 28, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
rained all night, no lightning or thunder, just a gentle steady rain… cool day, but i miss the sunshine… didnt swim – woke up too tired… and a million and one things to do…
fatigue… mental, emotional and physical…
having behcet’s is tiring enough … having asperger’s AND behcet’s is quite a special combi for sure!… behcet’s [...]
obsessive, but not OCD
Posted in dichotomy, friendship, general, hope, love, questions, relationships, society, tagged truth, perspective, Asperger's, obsession, persistence, OCD, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder on August 27, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
he asked me once if i hv OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder)? well i know for sure i do not… but i also understand how he cld hv misunderstood…
click here to see my post on this in spunkykitty abt OCD and ASD
i kw, he thought my 2 years of persistent reaching out, trying, asking endless questions [...]
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