i m reminded abt the broken body i live in all the time… little things that nobody will ever know, just by looking at me… do i deliberately ‘hide’ things? lie?… once he accused me of this… but i hv been accused of many things before, and i guess i oughta get used to it… but coming from someone i loved and gave so much to love, it hurt deep…
yet, the body broken hurts itself more than anyone or anything… especially because i never seem to learn to take my body more seriously, because i m constantly trying, to no avail, to live a ‘normal’ life… what irony, how cld i ever dream of ‘normality’?…
yesterday evening, i headed out to attend a concert rather far from my place… i braced myself for the journey, popped a stemetil and off i went, repeating to myself, like a chant, what i was attempting: a ferry ride, a long walk to the subway, and a long subway ride, then a trudge to the concert venue from the subway station…
made it to the subway, got into a train, became too crowded, so i dashed out and into the next emptier train… managed to find a seat, sat down… then, the train began to fill with human bodies… smelly, reeking, warm ‘able’ bodies… after 2 stations, i was choking from the smell, the lack of fresh oxygen and the hysteria mounting inside from too many human bodies pressing against me from everywhere… i got off in a hurry – no it wasn’t my stop, but i just cldn’t take it anymore… outside the station, i stumbled for awhile in the busy polluted noisy street, trying to regain some sense of equilibrium… the air was acrid with vehicular smog but still much preferred to the choking feeling and smell of rancid sweat on human bodies… then i hailed a taxi and rode in relative comfort all the way to the concert venue (at least i only had to contend with ONE other human body and the smell inside that ONE taxi!)…
after the entire ordeal, i spent the whole of last night coughing… this morning, i woke up with a swollen sore throat, TMJ, and severe fatigue… i’d planned to do some housework today, but instead i slept all afternoon… my throat’s still throbbing and raw now… ulcers… headache… i dunno if i caught anything or if it is just stress triggering my autoimmune… but i know it’s again time for more drugs… painkillers and antihistamine will help me get thru tonight then…
why do i do these things? because at the back of my mind, i long to be ‘normal’… i dont want to be called names like ‘princess’ etc… i m tired of being a freak… but i make myself more freaky by attempting all these ‘normalising’ adventures… will i ever learn? call it folly or call it courage, whatever the case, truth is, even after all these years, i m still uncomfortable inside my broken body…
