i tried to exercise today, but the vertigo was so bad… i hv been suffering from chronic vertigo, probably due to BPPV (Benign Paroxysmal Positional Vertigo)… now i feel nauseous and my ears are ringing slightly… been eating far too much this summer… a weight off my mind, the mental and emotional torture over… the physical pain from my swollen knee gradually getting better… swimming and enjoying the sunshine… but now the relief has turned into a desperation – to lose this fat that has accumulated around my waist, making me in my tiny frame look like a pregnant penguin… maybe a puffin…
depressing thoughts… and today i looked at the calendar and realised it’s already the 20th oct… starting to get cooler… can’t get into my clothes… and this song popped into my head…
ok, so barry isnt really good for u, he’s perpetually melancholic and sappy… i m not a fan at all, but some songs stick in ur head forever once u hear it just one time, and they come out from the woodwork to haunt u when u least expect it…
i first heard this song ages ago when it first appeared in barry manilow’s “paradise cafe”… i was suffering from a terrible attack of behcet’s, struggling with physical pain, mental fatigue, disappointment at my limitations, and heartbreak brought about by what i didnt kw at the time was my own inability to ‘read’ relational situations due to asperger’s…
the next time the silly sappy song rang in my head was when dad died… he left in late september, and after the funeral, i returned to try to continue what i set out to do, far away from home, alone and tossed about inside yet another relational conundrum… autumn was setting in, october going, and i was left with a horrible echoing screamingly reverberating void inside me…
but i hope this october will leave me with a fresh new start… away from the pain of yesterday, and a vision for tomorrow that brings fulfillment in growing yet older and knowing myself better…
when october goes…
