is death really so terrible?… i wont kw, becos i hv not been dead before…
two icons from my era – a pop star and a beautiful actress – hv just crossed over into the unknown…
but for me, today, it will be another agonising fight… a battle with pain – body, mind and soul… fighting on as brave as i can be, losing my mind and losing control over things i used to laugh abt as being easy breezy… and longing to find an end…
and today, i will attempt a simple journey… simple for many others, even simple for me in better times… the journey to the clinic to see the doc… but today i need to psyche myself up for it… why?… becos i m suffering from severely inflamed knee – the behcet’s version of arthritis – i hv not been able to walk steadily for 2 weeks now… but i kw i need stronger treatment, cos the drugs i usually use for such flare ups r not working this time around…
then there’s the vertigo – dizziness – which makes things worse… there is constant danger of fainting…
my eyes hv been blurry lately too… i really hope it is not uveitis – another behcet’s symptom which i hv thankfully evaded for the past 38 years of my life with behcet’s… please not now… there r things i hv not yet achieved… and i really wld like to keep the ability to see…
i hv not begun to mention the ulcers yet… but too tired now to go on…
i want my friends to forgive me… i dont want to ask for ur help becos it is too much for me to bear during this kind of experience… perhaps it is my asperger’s quirk… since childhood, i cld not bear the sense of another body near me when i m in serious pain, smell and touch becomes more acute, and the nakedness i feel when in pain in the presence of another person… too much for me to deal with inside that i cannot explain… there r less than a handful in this world i wld hv asked to help me… but none of them r available for the asking for whatever different reasons… so let me do this alone… for now… do not feel rejected, know that i hv u in my mind as i go along… and i will keep u all updated…
i long for an end to this… the pain within that has turned me into an unrecognisable twisted creature… the pain in my body that is crippling me… but for me, the end did not come today… and so i hv to keep going on…
