some spunk emerging … the right knee is less painful and the swelling has receded a little, but still very stiff… my right ankle and knee are showing signs of fatigue… but still managed to clean my little bathroom and do laundry today… yay!!!
it was so nice of my gf to bring me the walking [...]
Archive for June, 2009
30 june 2009 – emerging
Posted in fragility, friendship, general, hope, journal, love, relationships, tagged arthritis, Asperger's, Behcet's Syndrome, dreams, friendship, hope, love on June 30, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
29 june 2009 – not so spunky kitty
Posted in dichotomy, family, fatigue, fragility, friendship, general, hope, journal, life & death, love, questions, relationships, society, tagged arthritis, Asperger's, autoimmune, beauty, Behcet's Syndrome, courage, dreams, friendship, help, love, pain, stress, suffering, TMJ, ulcers, vertigo on June 29, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
this spunkykitty dont feel so spunky these days… a build up of stressors in the last 2 years… and i thought the previous autoimmune kick was the culmination of it, and that i wld be on the mend soon… evidently the tsunami had a larger wave in store for me… that was just a precursor…
my [...]
an end to things
Posted in dichotomy, fatigue, fragility, general, journal, life & death, tagged Behcet's Syndrome, pain, vertigo, Asperger's, uveitis, arthritis, ulcers, friendship, death on June 26, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
is death really so terrible?… i wont kw, becos i hv not been dead before…
two icons from my era – a pop star and a beautiful actress – hv just crossed over into the unknown…
but for me, today, it will be another agonising fight… a battle with pain – body, mind and soul… fighting on [...]
one legged marathon
Posted in fragility, general, journal, life & death, tagged arthritis, Behcet's Syndrome, headache, pain, tinnitus, ulcers, vertigo on June 25, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
tmr will be a one legged marathon… nah, not a competition, just a personal battle… gotta get myself to the doctor… but the clinic is far away… well an hour away… short bus ride, then ferry, then cab, then walk up a floor of stairs, then lift… all that with a severely swollen right knee [...]
25 june 2009 – wrong planet
Posted in fragility, friendship, journal, questions, relationships, society, tagged fear, Asperger's, relating, relationships, Theory of Mind on June 25, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
feels like i exist in a totally different time and space… yeah… like the name of the autism website “wrong planet“… i m in the wrong planet… i hv tried so hard to make sense of relating… to navigate independently this crazy mine field that others seem so adept at navigating… sure there r little [...]
destroyed
Posted in dichotomy, fatigue, fragility, life & death, tagged depression, dreams, illness, pain, strength on June 24, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
broken pain wrecked body… empty tortured twisted mind… it is over… these dreams i held so dear… i dont think i hv the strength anymore… i hv left it for too long… it feels as if all remaining energy and strength had been poured into surviving these 2 torturous years… and now when the nightmare [...]
23 june 2009 – split personalities
Posted in dichotomy, fatigue, fragility, journal, life & death, love, senses, tagged arthritis, Behcet's Syndrome, comfort, despair, fear, love, pain, rheumatism, suicide, ulcers on June 24, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
the pain is so crippling… i hv not had such a severe flare up of arthritis in my knee for a very long time… it has been more than a week now… this time… but just another in many back to back cycles alternating between ulcers and arthritis… and the jaw is perpetually tight nowadays… [...]
dear friends – a letter
Posted in family, fatigue, fragility, friendship, general, hope, love, questions, relationships, society, tagged arthritis, Behcet's Syndrome, comfort, fibromyalgia, friendship, pain, support, ulcers, vasculitis on June 23, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
dear friends,
i value ur friendship and i kw u care about me… i wish to lead as normal a life as i can… but i need ur help too… becos ur words and actions matter a lot to me…
here r some common comments i hv heard in the last 38 years of my intense battle [...]
choices
Posted in dichotomy, friendship, love, questions, relationships, society, tagged Asperger's, beauty, friendship, love, relationships, understanding on June 22, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
his last statement to me: “our problems may be summed up as : i cant understand an asperger person, and u cant understand a non-asperger person”
but anyone who loves another will kw, we love that person regardless of differences… and these differences are what make the going so tough at times, but also what makes the journey [...]
u have 2 learn how 2 take care of urself
Posted in dichotomy, fragility, life & death, love, relationships, society, tagged arthritis, Asperger's, Behcet's Syndrome, pain, painkillers, trust, ulcers on June 21, 2009 | 1 Comment »
4 am… woken by the pain… my entire right side hurts like something from hell… right jaw joint, shoulder, hip, knee, ankle… esp the jaw and knee… and the ulcers… excruciating…
lightning flashing outside my window, thunder rumbling… beautiful… sitting here in bed with my trusty macbook pro, my closest and only constant companion… listening to [...]
snow vegetables and river cabbages
Posted in dichotomy, fragility, friendship, hope, life & death, love, questions, relationships, senses, society, tagged Asperger's, child, failure, fear, hurt, love, pain on June 20, 2009 | 1 Comment »
i read a touching blog post by a mom with an aspie daughter and it struck a chord in me…
i learnt very early how to ‘act’… after one episode of meltdown at age 8 in a new school’s playground, where i was teased mercilessly as a fragile princess, i decided i will be on top [...]
20 june 2009 – balancing on a thread
Posted in dichotomy, fatigue, fragility, journal, life & death, love, questions, tagged arthritis, Asperger's, Behcet's Syndrome, isolation, loneliness, pain, painkillers, suicide, ulcers, vertigo on June 20, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
terrible night – disturbed dreams and terrible pain along the entire right side… anyone who has or has had arthritis will understand the excruciating pain of this condition… this time, it is my right hip, knee, and ankle again… and probably a twisted ligament behind the right knee cos it hurts like hell as well…
ulcers [...]
19 june 2009 – haunting irrationality
Posted in fatigue, fragility, journal, life & death, tagged arthritis, Asperger's, autoimmune, Behcet's Syndrome, depression, pain, suicide, ulcers on June 19, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
pain is very severe… well it has been for way too long now… no respite… the flare ups come at me back to back… feeling so so tired from the pain… my knee is still stiff and swollen tho i cld walk without too much pain today… but the ulcers are now fierce and angry… [...]
10 june 2009 – fatigue
Posted in fatigue, fragility, hope, journal, life & death, tagged Behcet's Syndrome, body, cognitive behavioral therapy, emotion, fatigue, hope, mind, pain, tired on June 10, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
woke up earlier than usual, unable to sleep… a disturbed night with vivid confused dreams… jaw swelling subsided (sigh of relief), but vertigo still severe… and very very very tired…
fatigue is another horrible part of behcet’s… feels as if all energy has been sucked into a black hole… dragging my limp body around… managed to [...]
09 june 2009 – CBT, TMJ & ASD … a crazy acronym day
Posted in fatigue, fragility, journal, life & death, tagged Asperger's, Behcet's Syndrome, cognitive behavioral therapy, depression, headache, help, pain, temporomandibular joint disorder on June 9, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
a crazy acronym day…
desperate to get out of spiraling depression and suicidal thinking, i headed for the psych yesterday… ok, so i m smart, i’ve read all the books, i kw it all… oh yeah?… well… yeah… but i still need someone impartial, someone not inside my mind and body, to talk to… so i [...]
running on broken
Posted in dichotomy, fatigue, fragility, questions, tagged autoimmune, Behcet's Syndrome, help, pain, temporomandibular joint disorder, tired, TMJ on June 2, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
pple can understand wheelchairs and cancer, but not many people understand fully what it means to suffer chronic physical pain… and how can they? this kind of suffering is invisible to the naked eye, intangible and silent…
but i kw… because i m blessed with this special uniqueness myself…
now there is a possibility of temporomandibular joint disorder … [...]
careless whispers
Posted in fragility, questions, relationships, society, tagged Asperger's, autoimmune, hurt, words on June 2, 2009 | 2 Comments »
unintended injury – careless words in an aspergian’s ear
intentional mental and emotional torture is a poison that finds its way deep into anyone’s psyche, but for aspergians, because of our inability to process such trauma as adeptly as neuro-typicals, the effects are far more severe and longlasting…
but unintentional careless words can hurt too, though not [...]
lost
Posted in fragility, general, questions, relationships, society, tagged help, Asperger's, relating, Theory of Mind, lost on June 2, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
lost…
there’s this silly girl… trying to find her way thru a dense forest without a map… without skills to navigate or discern the confusing laws of nature around… who to trust, who not to trust? when to trust and when not to trust? what animals are poisonous and which are friendly? how to tell the [...]
child
Posted in general on June 1, 2009 | Leave a Comment »
i loved sesame street as a child… and i still do… yes they say aspergians don’t ‘grow up’ like the ‘normal’ pple do… and i still enjoy these clips the way a child does, not as a mature adult, but as a kid wide-eyed with delight:
featuring a very much younger Yo Yo Ma in the [...]
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