ABOUT THIS BLOG

this blog began as a personal journal abt my life

with Asperger’s and Behcet’s Syndrome

i hv now consolidated this blog with my other blog spunkykitty

please go to

http://spunkykitty.wordpress.com

for all new posts and other bits and bobs

thx

thx for being here… ur presence is precious… even if u will never understand, never accept who i m… i dont need u… i hv enough… i m content… i m happy just to tell others abt ur art, ur talent, ur work and ur dedication to ur vision… u will never kw… and i dont need u to kw… i still believe in u… and that is enough for me…

whirring

listening to the whirring of my mini fan heater… i hate the heater, it gets so dry, my throat hurts, but i also hate the extreme wet cold urrrrgh… too many thoughts clanging around in my head again… the curse of asperger’s? very akin to madness for sure…

i got some chocolate today at godiva… i remember the time i was there with veronica and i bought her a bag of chocs… i really like veronica… wish i’d met her before i ever met him… it wasnt my fault, he’d lied abt veronica to me, i never found out till it was too late… but it was indeed my fault that i’d lied to veronica abt my past with him… i hv never once regretted telling her the truth… how can u live with lying lying lying to the face of someone u respect?… i asked this question many times… i asked him… and i also asked little miss talented artist… but both cld not give me any answer… becos they live that way – lying to the face of ppl whom they say they respect… and him?… veronica said something very profound – he has no emotional honesty… how true… how cld he say “i love u darling pie” to someone’s face and allow that someone to believe wholeheartedly in his words while he just played his own little game of “fantasy”?… hmmmm…

it’s getting pretty hot… if only this silly heater cld be more regulated… ah well, at the price i paid, i shd not complain… it has served me well thru 2 winters already… how time flies… and i still dont kw for sure whether i wld accomplish what i came here to do after all this that’s happened to me… i feel as if i hv lost all ability to dream… my beloved little swallow said he hopes i will find back that spunky kid he once knew before this nightmare came upon me… i hope so too…

ok time to fiddle with that darned heater… whirring whirring whirring…

loopy loops

the mind of an aspie is a strange thing… while not all of us hv super IQs like bill gates or einstein, almost all of us ruminate obsessively – a good and bad trait which has led to research breakthroughs as well as mental breakdowns!

so here i m ruminating… more like obsessively playing back sequences, loopy loops as i call them, in my head… over and over again…

she blamed me for veronica’s so-called ‘disappearance’… she said veronica is a sensitive person (in a slightly negative sense) who wld remember a grudge… but that is not the veronica i hv experienced… she said she is “worried” abt veronica… she says they are ‘friends’…

yet

she never just called her ‘friend’ to say hello, she allowed her ‘friend’ to disappear without a word from her… no sms, no email – at all… preferred instead to berate me albeit in carefully contrived sweet gentle feminine tones abt my telling veronica the trut- an aspie can see thru it when a person pretends to ‘humour’ me… i dont like her brand of cutesy sarcasm – c’mon baby, we’re all adults… if veronica was ur friend in the way u said she was, why didnt u bother to even call her to ask her how she is doing – or r u afraid she might ask for some favour / errand etc…?

eureka

hot milo+soya milk+baileys = an eureka moment!

i spent thousands of dollars buying up tickets to his show, even while his sick twisted ex-bitch was torturing me left right and centre, i was telling everyone i knew how great his work is, giving tickets away to the uninitiated, making sure they turned up… twice he asked me for money, and i gave… not little at all… my widow’s mite… i was naive, he called me “friend” but not once did he hv a meal with me, not even a drink… and he wanted me to pretend we didnt even know each other… what ‘friendship’ is this? how naive of me not to realise until too late… how cld i hv carried on believing his words when he’d said he loved me then later told me it was just a fantasy? and then after that he said he was my ‘friend’ – how cld i hv believed him again and again? ah, yes, i still berate myself for that… 2 years of crippling agony later, tens of thousands of dollars poorer, buried under a deluge of reverberating verbal abuse and condemnation, even now, as i pick up the pieces and find my feet and my dreams again, i m still promoting his work, his artistry, actively, to those i think may be of use of help to him… becos i believe in it… and i respect him still, as an artist, as a talent, and his sincerity to make good changes to the scene… but he will never know… and even if he knew, it wld make no difference to him… he is such a well known figure in his own right, why wld he need or even appreciate my vehement promotion of him?… and… those last words of his to me, so filled with venom, still trickle hot in my ear…

but nay i m no hero… i hv lost nothing compared to veronica… 19 years of her life she has known him, she bore him a child, a beautiful wonderful child who looks hauntingly like him, like her, linking them both together for as long as she lives, a testimony of momma’s tragic folly and dada’s sad ironic pathetic inability… he says he loves his sweet baby, but despite all his talent, he has no idea what love and commitment is… veronica is the true hero here… and my heart wrenches for her…

that voluptuous babe in the corner of the room, cheap dyed hair tied back in a ponytail, eyes glazed over in boredom, picking on her nails and biting bits off, looking quite the sore thumb to anyone who had any powers of observation at all (but all in that room were too engaged in discussion abt loftier things than looking out for a bimbo awaiting a shag for the night)… waiting waiting waiting…

but my guess is if anyone asked him, he wld say that the bimbo has one thing that veronica and i both don’t have… he wld say what all men wld say, be they men of great talent or utter idiots, “she is uncomplicated”… and, in his own words abt another one of his sluts, “i don’t care what she is, she’s a damn good fuck!”…

eureka!

18 nov 2009 – brrrr

brrrr it has been cold here the last two days… had the heater on all night and through the day when at home… tiring day… worked on some writing, then hacked away at the details for the planned move, got all togged up to get out… the bust was crowded and oh so stuffy, i became very hot and bothered, not just from the lack of fresh air and the physical heat of so many human bodies squashed into a small space, but also from the effort of quelling rising panic due to the assault to my senses – bodies pressed against each other, horrible disgusting smells (why oh why do ppl not wash?) – someone was even eating garlic french fries! i truly felt like puking… AND screaming… then lo and behold i arrived at the lecture and the room was chock full of ppl… the girl in front of me smelled like yesterday’s rotting leftovers, and the lady in front of her was coughing and blowing her nose like a virulent germbag… repulsive is a mild word – i cld not concentrate on the lecture, i spent the next one and a half hours trying to quell yet again another panic attack…

tired out by the time i reached home… brrrr

sullied beauty

when a beautiful woman begins to speak in foul language and make ridiculously stupid and nasty remarks, when she does something that goes against others’ expectations of her beauty – when her inner beauty does not match her outer beauty – then it is sullied in the eyes of observers and even admirers…

when a brilliant talented artist begins to speak in pompous criticism of others’ art and artistry – undaunted even after being roundly told off to only speak when in possession of full knowledge and training of the others’ art – then the same happens… disappointment, progressing to disgust and repulsion…

and yes aspies are obsessive… i hv tried to put my repulsion for her out of my mind… unsuccessfully… even the memory of her smell now makes me feel nauseous and sick to the core… the way she wears her hat, the way she sips her tea, the memory of all that, i wish cld be taken clean away from me…

why do artists find it so hard to put down their monumental egos and just sit back and enjoy or just respect one another’s work in the wide open world of ‘art’ – which includes all disciplines and forms within those disciplines…???? sad… this ‘friend’ of mine is a brilliant artist in her own right… but her lack of humility has revealed her lack of intellect and depth… and all her other faults once so easily overlooked hv become magnified under the telescope of puffed up pride…

sullied beauty… is pathetic and sad…

17 nov 2009 – mr. multi

he once said to me, “i am a multi-personalities man”… seems like such a long long time ago now, yet still so vividly clear and resonant in my head… i dont kw whether to laugh out loud or shake with sorrow at such irony and farce… indeed, he is a multi-personalities man… mr. multi… richly talented, achingly beautiful, earnest and sincere in his caring for his profession and furthering the cause of good artistry… yet at the same time profoundly foolish, twisted, deceitful with such ingenuous flourish… but i wonder, for all his multi-personalities that he lays claim to, where is the one that is able to separate personal differences from relating on a purely professional platform?…

how sad… but i do not regret speaking the truth… i hv to be true to myself… in the end, he gave me no support no good reason not even a loyal friendship for the kind of support that he demanded from me – lying in the face of one whom i respect is for me a monumental feat… i was quashing my innate and intrinsic nature of bald honesty in my words and simple truthfulness… each time she raised the issue, i mumbled lies and my soul felt sick, disgusted at myself and anxious… why do this for someone who doesnt care a hoot for me anyway? his final words to me spoke volumes – the truth at last from his twisted lips of deceit… what he truly thought of me… and tho it hurt deep, it also released me from the shackles of spiraling fear, confusion and despair…

dear mr. multi – it wasnt me who said all those nasty things, it was u who called me names and condemned my heart to hell with those searing damning words… it wasnt me who kicked u away, it was u who used me and then accused me of causing my own grief… ur cruel words jangle in my head still, each time i see u… but truth, the truth that those terrible words revealed to me, has set me free to walk away from ur web of deceit and subjugation of the mind…

thank u mr. multi… i feel so sorry for that girl waiting around dead bored playing with her fingernails all night – why do u always prefer the mindless cheap bimbos?… perhaps because u r too afraid of truth… and true multi-faceted beauty… it’s easier isnt it, to hold a floosy, she wont ever give ur dulled conscience any nightmares, unlike me…

good night my dear… i m still praying for u… as i kw veronica too is, for she loves u deep too… perhaps far more than even i do…

15 nov 2009 – scrambled

thoughts scrambled… too too tired… busy week… not all good… but at least it ended well… by well i mean the last 2 social events were with good friends… last nite with a great friend and collaborator, and his lovely wife, and today with another friend who shares my love for food… i meant it literally when i told that female artist – i dont need more friends… haha it must hv sounded so horrid to her, but it is truth… too much socialising makes me physically ill – the TMJ has returned since i came back here, and the ulcers are bad again today… pain is crippling – but many ppl will never understand this until they grow old and develop painful ailments common to aging and the dying process… me, i hv carried this since birth, pain is part of my existence but i never grew used to it… i dont anyone ever can… yet, looking at all things, i m pleased to come this far… happy and blessed, and also pleased with myself… i aint a hero on a stump running a marathon, but i hv weathered this pain well…

youth is so proud and impetuous, but there is so much verve and energy in youth that the middle age do not possess… and i m no exception… when i was younger, i was able to go go go on painkillers, mowing the world down with my enthusiasm and aggressively passionate… now i smile and see myself in so many young talents i meet, tho they hv far more opportunities and no physical limitations unlike myself… and i feel happy to see new things developing, yet i kw i m no longer the same as them, and i hv to dance to a different beat, even a different beat from the one i had danced to before…

scrambled thoughts indeed… where was i? anyway… time to rest up… full week ahead… hope the pain subsides somewhat… i need strength physical strength to get thru the week…

14 nov 2009 – food rituals

TMJ again… seems to hv come back when i returned here… ah well… c’est ma vie!… still cld manage a nice tomato & mozarella toasty for lunch anyway, which is always good news… for those who hv never been plagued with mouth ulcers and TMJ at the same time, a simple thing like being able to eat a piece of wholemeal bread with melted cheese may seem mundane, but to those of us with such unusual maladies, the very act is in itsself a celebration of life’s little blessings!

eating is a ritual for humankind… but for us with behcet’s, it is a sombre daily ritual… sometimes a celebration of wellness, other times a mournful ritual…

the TMJ does hurt, and a few ulcers are bothering me right now, but all in, i m trying to celebrate – dinner with good friend tonite… i hope i will be physically strong enough to enjoy it… cheers for food rituals!

woof!

mindbloggingly gibberishy gobbledegoob like oooooooodles of noodles running amok inside one’s head unravelling completely with sounds of syllables that mean nothing and mean plenty at the same time… woof!

moving house is no joke at all… esp for an aspie… been obsessively drawing out and redrawing over and over again my plans… i laugh at myself, when my circles r not drawn right i tend to keep at it till i m satisfied – for heaven’s sake, it’s just a circle on a sketchpad of where my furniture shd go, sth i will throw away after the ordeal is over, so why bother if it aint perfectly round???? hahaha ok so my detractors DO indeed hv much to murmur abt…

been feeling very very happy and blessed lately… how many ppl get the luxury of having two loyal supporters take a 3 and half hour flight just to come help me pack my shit and move stuff for me? it was a hectic semi-holiday for them, my beloved sister and her sweet hubby… used to holidaying in luxury hotels, this pair came and did hard manual labour, and slept on a double mattress from ikea in the living room floor of my tiny weeny flat!!! and then i hv two other friends who will be coming over to help me pack the rest of the shit – yep i have a LOT of stuff!!!… and i managed to find a good mover without having to pay an arm and leg for the move of my heavy furniture…

i’m one lucky gal! (and loveable too by the statistics at hand!) WOOF!

13 nov 2009 – smoking barrels

yes, i kw, i ask the darnest questions… yes, i often put people in a spot… and yes yes yes, ppl r known to react negatively… but shd i even bother to try to be common, ordinary, unchallenging and bland?… not that there is anything intrinsically wrong abt being common, ordinary, unchallenging and bland, if that is what u are… but why shd we be pressed to become something we are not?

if there were no difficult, awkward, sometimes downright embarassing questions, statements, observations and perspectives, where wld the world be? the answer is obvious – still in the neanderthal ages…

why do we worship the special, different and somehow make them out to be more wonderful, and then crucify the very things we worship when it makes us uncomfortable up close?

yes we hv had very intense personal issues – but why doesnt he separate the personal from the professional?… i do admit it is a fine line, we are all human after all, even aspies (r u surprised?)… but i m musing on the unwillingness more than the inability to see things for what they are – literally… or is this some ’special’ talent of ppl with asperger’s which is not found in others?… i cannot believe it is impossible – just as i cannot believe it is impossible for ppl with asperger’s to learn to relate to society and be useful, functioning and contributing members to the greater good… the same for the non-autists shd apply shd it not?… yet… sadly… there r countless programmes for autists to learn how to function in a neuro-typical world, but precious bleedingly rare the other way around… yet… the world continues to rely on the ’special’ ppl to make new discoveries, push the boundaries of knowledge, question the unquestionable – what irony, for these are the very ones who make others uncomfortable, those who are unfairly marginalised, those who are condemned and mocked…

well, i hv jumped into my own uniqueness with my guns loaded, shooting and smoking… after years of trying to conform, what the heck it just aint right at all… i m me… and this is the only way i can grow – being me… asking questions, pushing boundaries, making ppl uncomfortable because i say things as they are (truth makes ppl squirm for some reason?), see things differently… will i ever be accepted and integrated? NO… but i dont need to be… i m me… smoking barrels and all… whoever says beauty comes easy?

11 nov 2009 – overload!

beautiful clear skies today… what a day to forget my handy carry camera! urrrgh!… i cld see the blue of the sky contrasting against white white fluffy clouds – this IS a rare sight where i live now, with the constant pollution problem escalating by the minute… anyway, i was savouring every visual moment as i rode home on the ferry… woooooooooof!

last nite was trying to the senses… sensory overload… no, it wasn’t the percussion concert i attended – that was fine, pretty good, i daresay… i always did enjoy percussion, but i dont hv a great sense of rhythm nor do i hv physical strength enough for this… so i m just an admirer… well, the concert went fine… but my companion was little miss smugget – yeah the one who thinks i made the greatest social gaff of my life by telling veronica the truth… perhaps she is right, but i m disappointed nevertheless at her utter lack of emotional and spiritual integrity – she’d rather lie in the face of someone she says she respects than to ‘lose face’ socially?… yep…

i crossed her out some time ago as a close friend, so why m i still so peeved by her little quirks? dunno… shd i blame it on the aspie slow processing speed for such things? late dinner after the concert was excruciating… she has NOTHING to talk abt other than her men – makes her out to be such a cheap desperado, which sadly she really is deep down inside, despite her very real talent and abilities… sigh… so she is super crazy abt a certain bambino that i kw… and it’s all super boring super irritating by now… then to add fuel to the crackling fire, she proceeded to launch into a long vehement criticism of the concert, the performer AND then abt the music discipline in general… i reminded her it takes years and years of training and dedication to reach any level of virtuosity at all, and she just scoffed and said, “exactly, i just don’t understand u musicians, why take so many years over some archaic technicalities? in art, we are more immediate and true to the moment…” THAT DID IT!!! this girl has GOTTA GO!!! i can appreciate ignorance if it is humble ignorance – nobody knows everything right? but i just cannot abide proud “i-know-it-ALL” vocal ignorance… no no no…

but i m proud of myself, i didnt explode… instead… i deftly but obviously enough changed the subject back to her beloved bambino and she took the hint (because she really isn’t ALL THAT stupid) and proceeded to bore me the rest of the evening with her musings… “he loves me, he loves me not” shite… but i finally drew the curtains and closed this ‘friendship’ … sorry i cannot take any more of this…

hey, i love and i do love deep… it is not true that ALL aspies are not interested in relationships – in fact, the deep loyal supportive loving relationships that i hv nurtured thru my life are the cornerstones to my existence… without them, i wld be a total wreck more terrible than the titanic… but to go on and on and on and on… a woman in her mid-30s, talented artist, established name in her field… ENOUGH ALREADY!!!!

yes i m impatient with this sort of mixture of puffed up ignorance and pathetic desperation… why do potentially lovely women carry diseases that make them such pariahs? sad…

sensory overload… i need rest… and distraction… help!

warning

beauty so amazing

awakening dreams

into searing nightmares

engulfing embrace

insidious tenderness

sucking the very life of light

spat far askance

into the black hole of despair

“beware” she whispered

mournful testimony

truth that resonates

so strong

but only to the hearing

and thus the angel lives

to tell the tale

as shall the fallen

alike

with her

——————–

i thought of veronica today… actually i think of her quite often… she is very special… but so am i… tho not as saintly… my twisted gnarled soul bears witness to this, there is no escape, no method for pretext… indeed, i cannot play the game… a warning… she wrote a beautiful piece… and it held depths that most will never know or understand… she has been to hell, and still lives there half locked into it’s terrible muted scream, half liberated by the truth that she has found inside of her… will we ever be set free? saint and sinner alike… we bear the marks of his cruel hand of beauty…

human pufferfish

been musing on the phenomenon of the human pufferfish lately… aka ppl who, because of some deep seated insecurity or other, ‘inflate’ themselves in order to appear somehow more superior than they really are or than they feel they are…  all because they are afraid of looking ’small’, wanting to impress other fish and / or trying to protect their own fragile shaky egos… and, sadly, many of these human pufferfish are actually talented, intelligent, and often successful ppl in their own right and professional fields… the danger for them is appearing ignorant abt other fields of interest…

pathetic really… a phenomenon that nobody can escape from to some degree, as i too hv found myself in the act of puffing up those cheeks at moments in my life…

but it is a futile practice… nobody worth any salt wld be fooled, not for long anyway…

she is a brilliant, talented, successful artist… i hv great respect and admiration for her work… and i cld never pretend to compare myself with her talent in her field of expertise… but sadly, a few recent conversations hv left me with a nasty taste in my mouth… it all happened when she began to criticise a musician for whom i hv great respect… yes perhaps she caught him on an off-day, we all hv those, i do agree, but as she went on and on abt how knowledgeable she is, how musically inclined she is etc, i began to feel a cold dampness inside…

there is a chinese colloquial expression: “i just dropped my glasses / spectacles”… meaning, i m terribly disappointed… and yes, i m thus with her… besides being caught in a pathetic social mishmash of pretext and subterfuge disguised as “politeness” which is nothing more than just scrabbling to get ahead and stay on top of things, she revealed her utter ignorance and ridiculous inflated pride to the wrong person this time…

and this has nothing to do with the fact that she calls me her “darling friend” kisskisskiss etc but is never there when i need real practical help… or does it now?…

in any case… another human pufferfish is revealed… i must be pretty blind for me to take this long to see the truth… ok blame it on asperger’s?… hv a good laugh… another one bites the dust for sure…

01 nov 2009 – layers

sometimes i do indeed detest being me – those are times when i love too deep, fall too hard, break apart, struggle with physical handicaps etc… i do not really want the fragility do i? why? because i see that the world seems to belong to the strong, hardhearted and shallow…

but other times, when i see those very ppl who seem to possess the world jumping around on their tippy toes to the ridiculous beat of a farcical social circus show, i feel a sense of relief that i do not belong with them…

she thought i was afraid she was disappointed in me? nay, i never feared that at all, she never mattered so much to me anyway… but to be honest, i am disappointed in her… she seemed like someone who was able to grasp greater depths… such intelligence and talent… but ah, i must not judge too harshly, for i kw it is there, it’s just a matter of choice… and for many, they choose to live in the shallow because it is far too silent and lonely in the deep deep deep ocean trenches…

another truth – i am indeed angry… for no good reason other than i am… her words resound in my mind, “insane”… and her accusation – spoken in half jest but i kw she meant it – that i had caused much hurt and damage by my truthfulness… but this anger is just a suspended feeling, because i really did not expect brownie points for being truthful… actually this is exactly what i expected… yet… perhaps i m angry for a different reason… angry because it is all such a farce…

and so let it be…

do i hold my standards up too high for my friends?… perhaps i do… yet, i dont think i do… i dont really care what flaws they hv, all i expect is TRUTHFULNESS… but then, i m beginning to realise that honesty is the most precious commodity in human existence… and so, asking for truth IS indeed setting my standards too high…

there are many layers to this wonderful life of mine… hidden whispers, silent pain… but also much joy and liberation… and today i m celebrating once more the fact that i do not need to dance the farcical social circus show dance… i just stand apart and watch them… may God give me enough humility not to laugh but instead a heart of compassion and forgiveness…

31 oct 2009 – a different beat

“she probably thinks you are insane”… “she has disappeared because of what u said to her”… small little hints, and by now, i ‘understand’ human communication enough to pick up from these words a message of blame… that being different so markedly is somehow deemed ‘wrong’… and that telling the truth to people whom i respect is also ‘wrong’ by society’s standards…

i told the truth… at last… but no i do not expect to be rewarded by society for it – i hv long since learned that society does not want to know truth, nor can they understand anyone who lives by truth… they prefer lying, even making the lame excuse that they lie to ‘protect’ other’s feelings… absurd, they always hv a good ‘moral’ reason for dishonesty… but i do not need this kind of world…

being an aspie is a struggle… being different is always a struggle, regardless… a common struggle among the uncommon… but i m blessed to hv enough friends and family who support me and i hv no need for more… i hv enough to live on simply and i hv no need for more… i dont always get what i want the way i want the moment i want, but i hv all i need… and loneliness? it is the human condition… who doesnt hanker for the ‘perfect’ life? yes, of course, sometimes it is sad, depressing, but most times the goodies far outweigh the lousies… and it’s not just CBT to remind myself of this, it is just plain truth…

this morning, i wrote an email to the girl who made those comments … i do not owe anyone an explanation, but i want to explain becos i still respect her… even tho she will never understand… i told her the truth too… abt me… abt my view of her… she is an added blessing to my life, but i do not need her, and i will not cry a single tear if she turns her back on me… this woman, talented, brilliant, capable and intelligent, yet she talks about nothing but her constant search for love and a man to commit to loving her… i m getting bored with this kind of girlie-relating… very low level fun…

and i kw, whatever i said in my email, may probably fuel more misconceptions… already they think i m a spoilt princess… but that too is the truth that i told to her… and an old loyal but very sensible friend said this: why bother with trying to be common like everyone else?…

yes… how true… i dance to a different beat… and i love it!

26 oct 2009 – truth or dare

tell the truth or perform a dare?… sometimes life really is a game… a game which i barely understand, and which i m now very very tired of trying to play…

the trouble with asperger’s is that i KNOW i m different, but i m helpless to change this difference… and behcet’s really doesnt help, does it?…

no, tis not a self-pity party… what’s the use of self-pity anyway?… truth is that i hv no confidence in completing whatever it is i set out here to do… that i m very very tired, and i hv lost a part of me that i myself treasured very much… the flame inside of me is still there, but just an amber… but the beautifully carved lamp i once carried this flame in is now destroyed… irrevocably lost… no use blaming self or other, it just happened… is God himself to blame? … too lofty a question for one such as i to dwell upon… all i can do is struggle thru the day, and psyche myself up to keep going keep going… now i hv told the truth… yet i hv to perform the dare too – i hv to perform LIFE itself… and tomorrow will be another day on stage…

25 oct 2009 – broken body

i m reminded abt the broken body i live in all the time… little things that nobody will ever know, just by looking at me… do i deliberately ‘hide’ things? lie?… once he accused me of this… but i hv been accused of many things before, and i guess i oughta get used to it… but coming from someone i loved and gave so much to love, it hurt deep…

yet, the body broken hurts itself more than anyone or anything… especially because i never seem to learn to take my body more seriously, because i m constantly trying, to no avail, to live a ‘normal’ life… what irony, how cld i ever dream of ‘normality’?…

yesterday evening, i headed out to attend a concert rather far from my place… i braced myself for the journey, popped a stemetil and off i went, repeating to myself, like a chant, what i was attempting: a ferry ride, a long walk to the subway, and a long subway ride, then a trudge to the concert venue from the subway station…

made it to the subway, got into a train, became too crowded, so i dashed out and into the next emptier train… managed to find a seat, sat down… then, the train began to fill with human bodies… smelly, reeking, warm ‘able’ bodies… after 2 stations, i was choking from the smell, the lack of fresh oxygen and the hysteria mounting inside from too many human bodies pressing against me from everywhere… i got off in a hurry – no it wasn’t my stop, but i just cldn’t take it anymore… outside the station, i stumbled for awhile in the busy polluted noisy street, trying to regain some sense of equilibrium… the air was acrid with vehicular smog but still much preferred to the choking feeling and smell of rancid sweat on human bodies… then i hailed a taxi and rode in relative comfort all the way to the concert venue (at least i only had to contend with ONE other human body and the smell inside that ONE taxi!)…

after the entire ordeal, i spent the whole of last night coughing… this morning, i woke up with a swollen sore throat, TMJ, and severe fatigue… i’d planned to do some housework today, but instead i slept all afternoon… my throat’s still throbbing and raw now… ulcers… headache… i dunno if i caught anything or if it is just stress triggering my autoimmune… but i know it’s again time for more drugs… painkillers and antihistamine will help me get thru tonight then…

why do i do these things? because at the back of my mind, i long to be ‘normal’… i dont want to be called names like ‘princess’ etc… i m tired of being a freak… but i make myself more freaky by attempting all these ‘normalising’ adventures… will i ever learn? call it folly or call it courage, whatever the case, truth is, even after all these years, i m still uncomfortable inside my broken body…

20 oct 2009 – when october goes

i tried to exercise today, but the vertigo was so bad… i hv been suffering from chronic vertigo, probably due to BPPV (Benign Paroxysmal Positional Vertigo)… now i feel nauseous and my ears are ringing slightly… been eating far too much this summer… a weight off my mind, the mental and emotional torture over… the physical pain from my swollen knee gradually getting better… swimming and enjoying the sunshine… but now the relief has turned into a desperation – to lose this fat that has accumulated around my waist, making me in my tiny frame look like a pregnant penguin… maybe a puffin…

depressing thoughts… and today i looked at the calendar and realised it’s already the 20th oct… starting to get cooler… can’t get into my clothes… and this song popped into my head…

ok, so barry isnt really good for u, he’s perpetually melancholic and sappy… i m not a fan at all, but some songs stick in ur head forever once u hear it just one time, and they come out from the woodwork to haunt u when u least expect it…

i first heard this song ages ago when it first appeared in barry manilow’s “paradise cafe”… i was suffering from a terrible attack of behcet’s, struggling with physical pain, mental fatigue, disappointment at my limitations, and heartbreak brought about by what i didnt kw at the time was my own inability to ‘read’ relational situations due to asperger’s…

the next time the silly sappy song rang in my head was when dad died… he left in late september, and after the funeral, i returned to try to continue what i set out to do, far away from home, alone and tossed about inside yet another relational conundrum… autumn was setting in, october going, and i was left with a horrible echoing screamingly reverberating void inside me…

but i hope this october will leave me with a fresh new start… away from the pain of yesterday, and a vision for tomorrow that brings fulfillment in growing yet older and knowing myself better…

when october goes…

19 oct 2009 – back in the desert

back in the desert… spartan living… cold reality of life alone… tho i kw i m never completely alone… i also kw i HAVE to do this last leg of this particular part of the journey as best as i can…

went to view a few apartments in a different area of town yesterday and had a good dose of reality – pretty dire, what i saw… makes me thankful for what i hv now, and sobering because i wonder what will happen in the future…

the weak knee swelled up a little again, and my metatarsal (feet) and ankle joints are aching big time… add to the arthritis of behcet’s two flat feet and it’s no wonder, after all that walking… at one point i had to walk hundreds of steps – thank god it was walking down, not up – and i gave up on that apartment, i didnt even view it, just called the landlord and cancelled, walked past the building and struggled down down down to the main road… it was a lovely area, quiet part of the city, but no vehicular access and those steps were a nightmare from hell!!! i saw a little old lady walk up up up slowly with a heavy mini-trolley full of groceries and i wanted to sit there and cry… made me think abt myself in old age… ok shake off that thought and concentrate at the task at hand, spunkykitty!!! that was only at the halfway down point… the pollution from the road was overwhelming…

when i finally got back to my apartment, washed off the soot from my face, i noticed i was coughing… gotta stay home much of today to try to recover… blegh! it’s a wake up all right, being back in the desert after a fabulous summer at home with family… wooooooooah… i need courage!