ABOUT THIS BLOG

my personal journey with Asperger’s and Behcet’s Syndrome

warning

beauty so amazing

awakening dreams

into searing nightmares

engulfing embrace

insidious tenderness

sucking the very life of light

spat far askance

into the black hole of despair

“beware” she whispered

mournful testimony

truth that resonates

so strong

but only to the hearing

and thus the angel lives

to tell the tale

as shall the fallen

alike

with her

——————–

i thought of veronica today… actually i think of her quite often… she is very special… but so am i… tho not as saintly… my twisted gnarled soul bears witness to this, there is no escape, no method for pretext… indeed, i cannot play the game… a warning… she wrote a beautiful piece… and it held depths that most will never know or understand… she has been to hell, and still lives there half locked into it’s terrible muted scream, half liberated by the truth that she has found inside of her… will we ever be set free? saint and sinner alike… we bear the marks of his cruel hand of beauty…

human pufferfish

been musing on the phenomenon of the human pufferfish lately… aka ppl who, because of some deep seated insecurity or other, ‘inflate’ themselves in order to appear somehow more superior than they really are or than they feel they are…  all because they are afraid of looking ’small’, wanting to impress other fish and / or trying to protect their own fragile shaky egos… and, sadly, many of these human pufferfish are actually talented, intelligent, and often successful ppl in their own right and professional fields… the danger for them is appearing ignorant abt other fields of interest…

pathetic really… a phenomenon that nobody can escape from to some degree, as i too hv found myself in the act of puffing up those cheeks at moments in my life…

but it is a futile practice… nobody worth any salt wld be fooled, not for long anyway…

she is a brilliant, talented, successful artist… i hv great respect and admiration for her work… and i cld never pretend to compare myself with her talent in her field of expertise… but sadly, a few recent conversations hv left me with a nasty taste in my mouth… it all happened when she began to criticise a musician for whom i hv great respect… yes perhaps she caught him on an off-day, we all hv those, i do agree, but as she went on and on abt how knowledgeable she is, how musically inclined she is etc, i began to feel a cold dampness inside…

there is a chinese colloquial expression: “i just dropped my glasses / spectacles”… meaning, i m terribly disappointed… and yes, i m thus with her… besides being caught in a pathetic social mishmash of pretext and subterfuge disguised as “politeness” which is nothing more than just scrabbling to get ahead and stay on top of things, she revealed her utter ignorance and ridiculous inflated pride to the wrong person this time…

and this has nothing to do with the fact that she calls me her “darling friend” kisskisskiss etc but is never there when i need real practical help… or does it now?…

in any case… another human pufferfish is revealed… i must be pretty blind for me to take this long to see the truth… ok blame it on asperger’s?… hv a good laugh… another one bites the dust for sure…

01 nov 2009 – layers

sometimes i do indeed detest being me – those are times when i love too deep, fall too hard, break apart, struggle with physical handicaps etc… i do not really want the fragility do i? why? because i see that the world seems to belong to the strong, hardhearted and shallow…

but other times, when i see those very ppl who seem to possess the world jumping around on their tippy toes to the ridiculous beat of a farcical social circus show, i feel a sense of relief that i do not belong with them…

she thought i was afraid she was disappointed in me? nay, i never feared that at all, she never mattered so much to me anyway… but to be honest, i am disappointed in her… she seemed like someone who was able to grasp greater depths… such intelligence and talent… but ah, i must not judge too harshly, for i kw it is there, it’s just a matter of choice… and for many, they choose to live in the shallow because it is far too silent and lonely in the deep deep deep ocean trenches…

another truth – i am indeed angry… for no good reason other than i am… her words resound in my mind, “insane”… and her accusation – spoken in half jest but i kw she meant it – that i had caused much hurt and damage by my truthfulness… but this anger is just a suspended feeling, because i really did not expect brownie points for being truthful… actually this is exactly what i expected… yet… perhaps i m angry for a different reason… angry because it is all such a farce…

and so let it be…

do i hold my standards up too high for my friends?… perhaps i do… yet, i dont think i do… i dont really care what flaws they hv, all i expect is TRUTHFULNESS… but then, i m beginning to realise that honesty is the most precious commodity in human existence… and so, asking for truth IS indeed setting my standards too high…

there are many layers to this wonderful life of mine… hidden whispers, silent pain… but also much joy and liberation… and today i m celebrating once more the fact that i do not need to dance the farcical social circus show dance… i just stand apart and watch them… may God give me enough humility not to laugh but instead a heart of compassion and forgiveness…

31 oct 2009 – a different beat

“she probably thinks you are insane”… “she has disappeared because of what u said to her”… small little hints, and by now, i ‘understand’ human communication enough to pick up from these words a message of blame… that being different so markedly is somehow deemed ‘wrong’… and that telling the truth to people whom i respect is also ‘wrong’ by society’s standards…

i told the truth… at last… but no i do not expect to be rewarded by society for it – i hv long since learned that society does not want to know truth, nor can they understand anyone who lives by truth… they prefer lying, even making the lame excuse that they lie to ‘protect’ other’s feelings… absurd, they always hv a good ‘moral’ reason for dishonesty… but i do not need this kind of world…

being an aspie is a struggle… being different is always a struggle, regardless… a common struggle among the uncommon… but i m blessed to hv enough friends and family who support me and i hv no need for more… i hv enough to live on simply and i hv no need for more… i dont always get what i want the way i want the moment i want, but i hv all i need… and loneliness? it is the human condition… who doesnt hanker for the ‘perfect’ life? yes, of course, sometimes it is sad, depressing, but most times the goodies far outweigh the lousies… and it’s not just CBT to remind myself of this, it is just plain truth…

this morning, i wrote an email to the girl who made those comments … i do not owe anyone an explanation, but i want to explain becos i still respect her… even tho she will never understand… i told her the truth too… abt me… abt my view of her… she is an added blessing to my life, but i do not need her, and i will not cry a single tear if she turns her back on me… this woman, talented, brilliant, capable and intelligent, yet she talks about nothing but her constant search for love and a man to commit to loving her… i m getting bored with this kind of girlie-relating… very low level fun…

and i kw, whatever i said in my email, may probably fuel more misconceptions… already they think i m a spoilt princess… but that too is the truth that i told to her… and an old loyal but very sensible friend said this: why bother with trying to be common like everyone else?…

yes… how true… i dance to a different beat… and i love it!

26 oct 2009 – truth or dare

tell the truth or perform a dare?… sometimes life really is a game… a game which i barely understand, and which i m now very very tired of trying to play…

the trouble with asperger’s is that i KNOW i m different, but i m helpless to change this difference… and behcet’s really doesnt help, does it?…

no, tis not a self-pity party… what’s the use of self-pity anyway?… truth is that i hv no confidence in completing whatever it is i set out here to do… that i m very very tired, and i hv lost a part of me that i myself treasured very much… the flame inside of me is still there, but just an amber… but the beautifully carved lamp i once carried this flame in is now destroyed… irrevocably lost… no use blaming self or other, it just happened… is God himself to blame? … too lofty a question for one such as i to dwell upon… all i can do is struggle thru the day, and psyche myself up to keep going keep going… now i hv told the truth… yet i hv to perform the dare too – i hv to perform LIFE itself… and tomorrow will be another day on stage…

25 oct 2009 – broken body

i m reminded abt the broken body i live in all the time… little things that nobody will ever know, just by looking at me… do i deliberately ‘hide’ things? lie?… once he accused me of this… but i hv been accused of many things before, and i guess i oughta get used to it… but coming from someone i loved and gave so much to love, it hurt deep…

yet, the body broken hurts itself more than anyone or anything… especially because i never seem to learn to take my body more seriously, because i m constantly trying, to no avail, to live a ‘normal’ life… what irony, how cld i ever dream of ‘normality’?…

yesterday evening, i headed out to attend a concert rather far from my place… i braced myself for the journey, popped a stemetil and off i went, repeating to myself, like a chant, what i was attempting: a ferry ride, a long walk to the subway, and a long subway ride, then a trudge to the concert venue from the subway station…

made it to the subway, got into a train, became too crowded, so i dashed out and into the next emptier train… managed to find a seat, sat down… then, the train began to fill with human bodies… smelly, reeking, warm ‘able’ bodies… after 2 stations, i was choking from the smell, the lack of fresh oxygen and the hysteria mounting inside from too many human bodies pressing against me from everywhere… i got off in a hurry – no it wasn’t my stop, but i just cldn’t take it anymore… outside the station, i stumbled for awhile in the busy polluted noisy street, trying to regain some sense of equilibrium… the air was acrid with vehicular smog but still much preferred to the choking feeling and smell of rancid sweat on human bodies… then i hailed a taxi and rode in relative comfort all the way to the concert venue (at least i only had to contend with ONE other human body and the smell inside that ONE taxi!)…

after the entire ordeal, i spent the whole of last night coughing… this morning, i woke up with a swollen sore throat, TMJ, and severe fatigue… i’d planned to do some housework today, but instead i slept all afternoon… my throat’s still throbbing and raw now… ulcers… headache… i dunno if i caught anything or if it is just stress triggering my autoimmune… but i know it’s again time for more drugs… painkillers and antihistamine will help me get thru tonight then…

why do i do these things? because at the back of my mind, i long to be ‘normal’… i dont want to be called names like ‘princess’ etc… i m tired of being a freak… but i make myself more freaky by attempting all these ‘normalising’ adventures… will i ever learn? call it folly or call it courage, whatever the case, truth is, even after all these years, i m still uncomfortable inside my broken body…

20 oct 2009 – when october goes

i tried to exercise today, but the vertigo was so bad… i hv been suffering from chronic vertigo, probably due to BPPV (Benign Paroxysmal Positional Vertigo)… now i feel nauseous and my ears are ringing slightly… been eating far too much this summer… a weight off my mind, the mental and emotional torture over… the physical pain from my swollen knee gradually getting better… swimming and enjoying the sunshine… but now the relief has turned into a desperation – to lose this fat that has accumulated around my waist, making me in my tiny frame look like a pregnant penguin… maybe a puffin…

depressing thoughts… and today i looked at the calendar and realised it’s already the 20th oct… starting to get cooler… can’t get into my clothes… and this song popped into my head…

ok, so barry isnt really good for u, he’s perpetually melancholic and sappy… i m not a fan at all, but some songs stick in ur head forever once u hear it just one time, and they come out from the woodwork to haunt u when u least expect it…

i first heard this song ages ago when it first appeared in barry manilow’s “paradise cafe”… i was suffering from a terrible attack of behcet’s, struggling with physical pain, mental fatigue, disappointment at my limitations, and heartbreak brought about by what i didnt kw at the time was my own inability to ‘read’ relational situations due to asperger’s…

the next time the silly sappy song rang in my head was when dad died… he left in late september, and after the funeral, i returned to try to continue what i set out to do, far away from home, alone and tossed about inside yet another relational conundrum… autumn was setting in, october going, and i was left with a horrible echoing screamingly reverberating void inside me…

but i hope this october will leave me with a fresh new start… away from the pain of yesterday, and a vision for tomorrow that brings fulfillment in growing yet older and knowing myself better…

when october goes…

19 oct 2009 – back in the desert

back in the desert… spartan living… cold reality of life alone… tho i kw i m never completely alone… i also kw i HAVE to do this last leg of this particular part of the journey as best as i can…

went to view a few apartments in a different area of town yesterday and had a good dose of reality – pretty dire, what i saw… makes me thankful for what i hv now, and sobering because i wonder what will happen in the future…

the weak knee swelled up a little again, and my metatarsal (feet) and ankle joints are aching big time… add to the arthritis of behcet’s two flat feet and it’s no wonder, after all that walking… at one point i had to walk hundreds of steps – thank god it was walking down, not up – and i gave up on that apartment, i didnt even view it, just called the landlord and cancelled, walked past the building and struggled down down down to the main road… it was a lovely area, quiet part of the city, but no vehicular access and those steps were a nightmare from hell!!! i saw a little old lady walk up up up slowly with a heavy mini-trolley full of groceries and i wanted to sit there and cry… made me think abt myself in old age… ok shake off that thought and concentrate at the task at hand, spunkykitty!!! that was only at the halfway down point… the pollution from the road was overwhelming…

when i finally got back to my apartment, washed off the soot from my face, i noticed i was coughing… gotta stay home much of today to try to recover… blegh! it’s a wake up all right, being back in the desert after a fabulous summer at home with family… wooooooooah… i need courage!

12 oct 2009 – chugging along

wonder how many ppl with asperger’s also suffer from behcet’s? … just another aspie musing, i guess… i notice i hv been generally free from the painful TMJ symptoms this entire summer… yippee! small blessings are very big things really, especially when these help to alleviate pain…

chugging along… fatigue is a constant companion… but always looking for a way to up the energy levels… swimming everyday has helped this a bit… but it’s a chicken and egg thing with behcet’s – too little / too much of ANYTHING can trigger a flare up!… ulcers under control, they r always there but as long as i can eat without needing painkillers, i feel really happy… been getting vertigo alot though, wonder why… yesterday i think i did a bit too much walking – went to the beach, it was a lovely day – came home with a swollen ankle, the arthritis is another fierce attachment to my life… but just gotta keeping chugging along…

ok, time to attack the day again… wishing myself good luck…

10 oct 2009 – buried not dead

they say time heals… but nay, time does not heal… time merely buries… and wounds of pain and grief lie deep underneath the rubble of what begins as a shattering calamity but which slowly settles with time, and soon, nobody notices anymore…

yes, life goes on, above the settled debris, a new landscape springs forth… but beneath, like an underground river, the agony of pain runs unseen… hidden whispers, mute sighs… not dead, very much alive…

i viewed a video of an old performance… at the end, i saw her, jet black long shiny hair to the waist, her face full of the beauty of youth, the deep dark eyes and full feminine lips… she went to him and they kissed, a sweet touching moment… she strokes his long coarse wavy hair, the same waist length as hers, tied up behind, and she sweeps his hair back gently, lovingly, and they have their arms around each other in a side by side embrace… the year, 1993… an eternity ago…

17 years on, and time has changed so much… yet, time has not healed… and beneath the rubble of their marriage – fallen angels, dashed hopes, betrayal and heartbreak – her love still lives… buried, not dead…

05 sep 2009 – summer’s end

here we r, at summer’s end… already… i dont wanna move on, but there are things waiting for me over there…

packing and repacking today… more than 3 months already, i dont kw what’s happened to my apartment… and strangely, i dont really care… but return i must… to finish what i started to do… and i hope this time i will hv strength, inspiration and heart enough for the completion…

for now, for a very short while more, i’m still standing at summer’s edge here… and savouring the moments for just a little while more…

1 oct 2009 – no respite?

is there no respite from behcet’s, i often wonder… ?… ulcers in throat hv been fierce, and the tongue swollen with strategic one near the base… eating is uncomfortable but thank god i love my food! … had a bad tummy all night… as if anyone wants to hear abt this?… mild fever this morning and a general feeling of malaise… aching… headache… nausea and vertigo… not strong enough for alarm, but not good enough to hv a robust day… staying in today then… but can’t seem to concentrate on my readings… sigh… i hate this nowhere land i m in 80% of the time… a struggle just to keep up with any activity – and an over reliance on painkillers… sometimes i panic when i forget whether or not i’ve had a dose… right after i’ve popped one more does into my mouth and swallowed, the thought flashes across my mind – duh??? did i take a dose just awhile ago??? drats…

ok so thus goes my day today… wondering… if there will ever be a day i can find respite from this malady…

29 sep 2009 – goldfish

a startled goldfish… a silent scream… dry hot tears streaming from nowhere… just a terrible terrible shock reaction… rush of fear into the brain… a practical joke gone wrong… someone thinking it wld be fun to knock on my window in the middle of the night to say hello?… my heart now can’t stop thumping wild banging beating against my chest as if trying to break out… now my head hurts so bad… and then the person who did it is now angry with me cos i didnt react the pleasant way she wanted me to, but instead i m this way… so do i hv to apologise?… i know there is no point in getting angry at the practical joke, but how do i control this rush of chemicals to my brain?… how do i pretend to be happy abt this?… i told her honestly what her little joke has triggered, and now she is angry… is there no way to get out of this horrible thing called asperger’s?… i seem always to hv the wrong reactions to everything, dont i?

yes, this comes after a long tiring day… spent interacting, controlling myself, holding the reigns tight just so i wont offend those i love… what is wrong with me? i yearn for love and intimacy, but i cannot even enjoy a joke?…

i still hear a thumping noise… no it is not my heart… just my hyper sensitive hearing so wound up… someone is walking around upstairs… my head throbs… my eyes burn… i want to hit out at someone… but i hv nobody to hit… but myself…

my senses are on fire… bursting… heaving… screaming… overloading into nothingness…

will nobody come to my aid?…

no… nothing, nothing at all… nobody’s here… just a goldfish in a glass bowl

old habits die hard

heard he’s been trawling facebook for women… unlike some who search at random, he is a well known figure who attracts willing ‘fans’ through various groups dedicated to him and his work… willing (but many uninformed) flies to the fire for sure… if u were a young (or even not so young) woman who loves music and art, won’t u be flattered and oh so pleased to be chatted up and invited for a drink by a well known figure in the music and arts industry?… old habits die hard… i hear first hand that he chatted up this girl on fb, asked her out for drinks, but when she uploaded her real photos, he lost interest – becos she is not attractive. i could hv told them all, he is not interested in friendship, he has no idea what real loving caring committed friendship is at all… and he has no interest in love… he says he loves his child, but what is daddy doing to little baby, living this kind of life?… he has ranted and raved at me, but in the end, sadly, his actions show himself to be a pathetic lonely man, desperately addicted to and trapped inside his own woven tapestry of intrigue and deceit… and no, he has not returned any of that money… but the money doesnt matter at all, it never did… i wld do it all over again for a friend, just as i did it for him, becos i thought he was a friend… nay, it was the deceit and manipulation that broke me… i was warned by a guy friend, no man worth his mettle will ask for money from a woman… i didnt heed this piece of advice… i thought he was sincere – a friend – and i gave generously becos i love my friends… male or female i treated them with equal standards and respect… but i realise now he has never valued my friendship… and he has no idea what truth and honesty is… just as his wife said to me – he has no emotional honesty… a simple thing like that can wreak such havoc in so many many lives… i m not the greatest casualty along the path of this particular hurricane, i m sure…

what a sorry waste of such brilliant beauty… for there truly does exist inside this mess of putrefaction a gem of the first water… and my prayer is that someday this beauty will be allowed to emerge – unashamed and unblemished – the dirt is washed away, and polished by a master hand… a tall order, perhaps a miracle is needed, but i DO believe in miracles…

meantime, old habits die hard…

26 sep 2009 – tomorrow already

it’s tomorrow already… i mean today… was yesterday and now it is tomorrow… time swishes by…

tired, aching all over… ulcers… throbbing headache… backache… it’s past midnight and i shd go to bed… been a long long day…

no i m no hero for justice… but i do hate it when the weak, old and helpless are victimised and marginalised… it makes me fuming mad… and ok so i m dead tired now, but i m glad i spent the entire day trying to help give voice to the voiceless… it seems so futile a task… ppl love and worship the bold beautiful young powerful rich loud brash crude rude arrogant … just like he so valued his sick skank… just like so many many others who toss aside anyone with any kind of fragility or weakness…

time to go to bed and try to sleep… hope i dont get nightmares… the pain is making me clamp my jaw too tightly again… and now it hurts and is stiff… ugh… but at least i helped someone… and this someone is one i love… so a double smile good night…

bluebeard, scheherazade and the sunken cathedral

‘experts’ say that ppl with asperger’s are often less interested in fiction than in factual books or other sources of information… yeah, well that may be true in many cases… and yes, as an adult, i found i had no more interest in reading fiction, it bored me, but i m held spellbound by non-fiction, factual or academic books… but once upon a time, this aspie child loved to live in a world of strange tales…

i loved the moomins series – the mysterious dark children’s fiction by finnish author tove janssen… but hans christian anderson haunted me in a way that nothing else did – no, not the silly frilly disney versions but the sad, ironic, macabre, mournful original as written by the author himself… it is also said that hans christian anderson had asperger’s too… well, we’ll never know for sure, but i still read those stories with a chill running down my spine and a deep sense of pain inside my soul…

along the same vein, there are the poems of grief, love and betrayal in bunnyblu’s blog… reworking the characters from different stories, putting them together, and pulling in musical and artistic themes… bluebeard, scheherazade, and scheherazade’s love for bluebeard… a sunken cathedral… a toxic blue frog inside a beautiful gazelle… a poisonous skank… all inside a deep deep deep ocean of silent longing, anguish and unspoken textures, sounds, smells, hues and colours…

perhaps fiction like these are reflections of real life, real pain, real love, real joy … windows to the souls?

24 sep 2009 – chiaroscurro

it started out dark and stormy today… now the sunlight is shining brightly, dancing on the surfaces of the swaying tree branches, water in the pool and the flowers in my patio… and i thought of the words: “chiaroscurro”, “chiara”, and a certain family of three that have featured strongly in my life recently in various ways, both positive and negative…

chiaroscurro – the interplay of light and dark… a term usually used in relation to painting technique from the renaissance… one of many beautiful examples is “Nativity” by Geertan tot Sint Jans c.1490…

i like this simple composition where the mother mary is looking with a glow on her face at her infant jesus, who seems to be illuminated from within…

chiara – a beautiful italian female name, meaning “light”, “bright”, “clear”… also the name of a lovely little child i know… and i can sense the hope and depth of intention behind this name, for mama is a woman with an inner glow of light, but sad sad sad, cos dada is a forlorn dichotomy of all too brief flashes of brilliant beauty encased inside putrid rancid dark debris of subterfuge and intrigue… a family portrait then – a chiaroscurro of light and dark, clarity and ambiguity, pure naivety and sullied innocence… and how many others have had to suffer, unwittingly sucked into dada’s games, and how many more deliberately joining in the sick twisted fun?… but there can be no light without darkness… and no beauty without tears…

23 sep 2009 – sins of the father…?

what goes around comes around? does it really? i’d like to believe so… but sometimes, i do wonder… HOW exactly is it gonna come back around?

read recently abt the sentencing of russian-american pedophile Andrew Mogilyansky – i was struck by the absurdity of his wife’s claim that he was a good husband and father… i wonder how she can make that claim? then i realised – perhaps her idea of what constitutes a good husband and father is totally different from mine?

to most ppl, if someone treats u well, then he/she is good, regardless of what he/she does to others… but i question this – if this same person can behave with such inconsistency – i.e. good husband & father but at same time cruel sick twisted with no regard for life or feeling of others – is this the kind of value system u wld wish to be a part of or to impart to the children?… yet selfish xenophobic attitudes abound… there really is no value system at all…

no, my dear friend the toxic blue frog was nothing so dramatic as a rich successful businessman cum pedophile… but he is a successful enough musician, a brilliant and talented man, a well-known figure, admired and respected… someone i once loved and admired and respected too… and yes, a father who claims to love his daughter with all his heart…

it’s sad irony then, that he treats other women so flagrantly disgracefully… in the meantime, he lies to his daughter and wife, and he thinks lying is protecting them from hurt?… doesn’t he see: she will grow up to be a woman some day… protected from the truth, fed on lies and subterfuge by dada, innocence intact but where is the spiritual security? one day, what will happen to this naive trusting soul when she finds out the man she loved and adored most has lied to her all her young life?… fed on the milk of deceit… how will she grow up?

why doesn’t dada ever think of that? why doesn’t dada think of his sweet girl when he is fucking his whore, lying to those who trust him, taking advantage of the innocent, mocking the naive, carelessly robbing the poor in spirit, making tyrannical demands of the gullible, and all the while enjoying his romps inside poison ivy and other toxic flora and fauna? take a good look at those innocent eyes of ur little princess dear dada, do u not see ur own sins reflected inside her soul, tainting her purity, sullying her heart?… her name is clarity, truth, bright, light, but her dearest dada lurks in the shadows and turns into a frenzied vicious animal in the bright light of truth?… wrenchingly sad… forlorn…

loving father, good husband?… what is that really?… how can u say u love ur child when u do her such cruel injustice?…

this little gem is lucky to hv a good mom… but a dada is a special spiritual person in a little girl’s life… and my heart breaks every time i look into those beautiful eyes and that lovely innocent face… i pray that this particular little princess will somehow be spared the sins of her father… another sad irony, how much she looks like him…

perhaps grace will save them… perhaps so… i do pray so… for i was once a little girl too… and she still lives in me…

and i wish them grace… and light…

22 sep 2009 – poorer but happier

everyone wishes to have lots of money… and indeed once upon a long long time ago i did indeed have quite a bit… but aspies are not known to be great with money… c’est moi: too gullible, too generous, too impulsive, too plain lousy at keeping those balance sheets… maths has never been my forte, and least of all accounting maths…

i believed every sob story that came my way, i loved pretty things too much, and i was too unhappy at the very job that earned me all that wealth…

and i m assured of love and support from my closest ones… money cannot buy this kind of peace… tho love cannot erase the struggle with asperger’s, love cannot heal constant battle with physical pain – ulcers, fever, aching all over, headache, arthritis, vertigo etc even as i type right now – but love has given me renewed strength to be myself… and courage to keep being me…

now, i hv so little money compared to then… but i m happy… so much poorer, but so much happier… and so very much richer by far…

20 sep 2009 – death & new life

2 years already – he left 2 years ago today… and when he left, a can of worms sprang open… pandora’s box… the demons, the skeletons, tearing apart all that was familiar and wreaking utter havoc on the very foundations of my life as i knew it… but now, 2 years on, death has given way to new life… and bit by bit, the dark clouds are clearing and the sunlight shines thru…

no, his legacy is not that of dividedness… he left behind healing to those who yearn for it, truth to those whose hearts seek it, and the weeding away of falsehood and empty meaningless relationships…

today… i feel loved at last by someone very important to me… loved and accepted for who i m… my mother… a kind of practical, non-sentimental but loyal, caring, accepting, forgiving and SUPPORTIVE love that someone like me with asperger’s needs and appreciates… don’t just tell me u love me, SHOW ME… and she is showing me… in ways i never thought she would…

so much has happened in 2 years since he left… a relationship i had painstakingly built with time, effort and care, for most of life in fact, has finally showed itself to me that it’s long past it’s lifespan… a death… it was good while it lasted, but the poison began to grow as i became who i really am, as i began to spread my own wings and find myself… and i realise that i was drowning in its toxicity… today, i decided at last that this must be the end… no more lingering…

but another relationship is coming to life at last… new life…

there is a time and season for all things under the sun… a time to live and a time to die…

amen…